In My Time of Dying
by kelco
Summary: An innocent pursuit of a good time has unintended consequences for Daniel. Will his family be able to help him recover emotionally or will they face another tragedy?
1. Chapter 1

**In My Time of Dying**

**Although this may seem like a romance at first, trust me, it's not. I just need to set the stage. Stick with it and you'll be getting a good dose of angst and drama by the end of the first chapter. I promise!**

**Chapter one**

Ellie McCormick was enjoying the day. She and Daniel had gone out for a picnic by the pond on her grandparent's property. At the moment Daniel lay stretched out on the blanket, his head pillowed in Ellie's lap. She carded her fingers through his hair lazily. Ellie still found it hard to believe that she and Daniel had gotten together. It had been three months now since they'd first taken notice of each other. She had never believed in the whole love-at-first-sight thing, but there was something about Daniel that had struck her right away that day she'd first seen him in Chemistry class. He'd confirmed that he'd felt the same way. If they weren't ready to say they were in love yet, they were well on their way.

She'd met his family and had been warmly received, especially by Hannah. She had come to love the noisy hustle and bustle of the McFadden household when she and Daniel hung out over there. Daniel had also met and been made welcome by Ellie's family. She had recently moved to California with her mom to live with her mother's parents on their ranch. Her dad had stayed behind in Montana, since her parents were divorcing.

Daniel had been so kind and sweet as she poured out her story and heartache over the divorce. In return, he'd told her all about his parents' deaths and how devastated he'd been. In sharing their most traumatic memories, they'd sealed the bond between them. Ellie had been thinking a lot lately of telling Daniel just how much he meant to her; even how much she had come to love him. But it seemed such a big deal, such an important moment, when someone said those three words 'I love you'. It bothered her that she was so nervous about it, but she had never said those words to any boy before and she wanted to be sure she meant it when she did.

7b47b

Daniel cruised through town in the family jeep, Ellie by his side. He was lucky to have the vehicle all to himself tonight. Too often he'd have to drop one brother or another off somewhere, even on date nights. He and Ellie had spent the day together, having a picnic and just going for a walk in the woods. He had held her in his arms and kissed her, enjoying just being with her. He loved her, he knew that. He wasn't sure he'd feel that way about a girl again, after Tally had broken his heart, but when he met Ellie, it all changed. She was a country kid, just like him, born and raised her whole life on a ranch, just like him. They fit together so well that he'd even let himself dream about a future together. His family loved her, especially Hannah, who was glad to have another girl around the place. And he thought her family liked him, too. It was hard to tell, her grandfather in particular, was a bit distant, although she assured him that was just the way he was and that he had said he liked Daniel. Daniel figured he had time to get to know them better, maybe even the rest of his life.

He shook himself out of those thoughts, _too fast, Daniel_, he reprimanded himself silently_. Slow down there, boy!_ But try as he might, he couldn't stop envisioning Ellie in his arms, holding her and caring for her and loving her. Maybe it was time to step up the relationship to another level. Maybe they should talk more seriously about a future together. The thought made his palms sweat and his heart thud faster in his chest, but yet the anticipation thrilled him. He was sure if brought up the subject, she'd agree with him. They were both graduating this spring anyhow; they really weren't too young to discuss their future together.

He guided the jeep out of Murphys on a side road. "Want to go see how Marc and the guys are doing tonight?"

"Isn't Marc still on crutches?"

"Yeah, but he told me he was heading out to the strip anyhow. Seems Jase and Cory Timmons have gotten their hands on a tricked out '67 Mustang. I guess they're planning on racing Geoff - you know the redhead guy we met last time, from over at Sonora High?"

"He's not really redheaded. More like strawberry blond, I'd say."

Daniel grinned at her, "Whatever. You know who I mean." He reached over and tickled her, sending her into a fit of giggles. She was very ticklish, he'd discovered. The jeep swerved a little as Daniel's attention was diverted.

"Watch out, Daniel!" She scolded, pushing his hands away, but still smiling.

Daniel quit the tickling for now, but a mischievous grin spread over his face, as he made plans to resume where he'd left off later.

"What will Adam say if he finds out we came here again? After last time? You'll be grounded forever, Daniel."

Daniel flashed her his cocky half grin, "Don't worry, he isn't gonna find out. Besides, I ain't driving this time, just watching. He never really said anything about not watching."

"You know what he meant. He doesn't want you anywhere around it."

"I know, darling. But it'll be fine." They continued down the road in the dark. There were no street lights out this way, and very few houses. The long, straight, mostly empty roadway was perfect for what Daniel's peers had in mind for tonight.

Recently the seniors at Daniel's school and others in the surrounding counties had taken an interest in street drag racing. It was illegal, of course, so there was great secrecy in where and when races would take place. Daniel's friend, Marc, had told him today about the one scheduled for tonight.

It wasn't long before they saw a group of high school kids gathered in a cleared off space by the side of the road, cars parked haphazardly and people lounging on and in them. Daniel and Ellie pulled over to join them, parking the jeep next to Marc's Camaro. Marc was sitting on the hood, cast on his right leg and crutches nearby.

Daniel and Ellie jumped out and joined him, Ellie hopping up on the hood next to Marc, and Daniel leaning on the other side. He let out a low whistle as he took in Marc's car. The metal was gleaming, its shiny, new, red paint glistening in the faint moonlight. "Wow, you finally got her fixed up! She looks great, man."

"Yup, just picked her up tonight. My cousin helped me out. She's ready to go again." Marc pointedly looked at Daniel with his eyebrows arched, sending him a silent message.

"Oh, no. Not me." Daniel's hands came up, warding off the very idea. "I'm not doing that again. We almost killed ourselves last time. Just look at yourself, you're still on crutches!"

"That's why I need you, Daniel. I can't race her. Come on, you know you want to. We all saw what you could do in the Gold Rush, man. You're a natural, just like Adam."

"Speaking of Adam…"

"He'll never find out. Come one, Daniel. Just race her for me. That Geoff guy has been talking trash on her all night." Marc pleaded. Daniel shook his head no, but the idea was taking root. He'd love to get behind the wheel again if he was honest with himself. The Gold Rush race had awakened a side of him he'd not realized he had. He loved the speed and thrill of racing.

"What about Jase and Cory Timmons? Thought they were racing Geoff tonight?" Ellie spoke up.

"Haven't shown up yet. There's some talk that they chickened out. Come on Daniel. We have to defend our school. If the Timmons brothers won't, we got to. We can't let Geoff go back to Sonora bragging about how our guys backed out. It won't be good for morale, what with the big football game next week between them and us." Marc knew what he was doing. With Daniel on the football team and Murphys playing their main rival next week, the pressure was on. A win tonight against the kid from Sonora would be told all over school and would go over big with the Murphys team and boost their spirits.

Daniel hesitated, unsure of what to do. He wanted to drive Marc's car for him, his hands were itching to get a hold of that steering wheel and feel the power, but Adam would kill him. He'd been forbidden to drag race again, after last time.

His mind drifted back to that time, a month ago, when he'd ridden shotgun in Marc's car with him during a race. All had been going well at first, but then Marc had lost control and skidded off the road, smashing the driver's side into a tree. Marc had been trapped, his leg smashed by the metal. It had taken three guys to pry open the door and get Marc out. That was how he'd ended up on crutches. Daniel had escaped with some cuts and bruises and a very sore arm that had been slammed into the passenger side door on impact, but otherwise had been fine. He hadn't even gone to the hospital, not wanting Adam to find out. However, find out he did, two days later, when he'd run into Marc's dad at the feed store. Marc's dad told Adam the whole story, even how Daniel had been involved. Although Marc's father told the story with a hint of pride, Adam had seethed inside, the anger building until he'd gotten back to the ranch and unleashed it on Daniel. Daniel had managed to hide his injuries and the whole event from him until then. But that night, Adam had exploded on him; Daniel had never seen him so angry.

He understood afterwards why Adam had been so mad. He was scared. The thought of Daniel or any of his brothers driving so recklessly terrified him, especially after the auto accident that had claimed their parents' lives. Daniel had been grounded and forbidden from ever drag racing again. Daniel knew better than to argue with Adam when he was in that state of mind, but it annoyed him that Adam was so unfair about the whole thing. After all, he'd let Daniel finish the Gold Rush, hadn't he? Was this really so different? This was street racing just like the Gold Rush and he'd proven he could do it in that race. If anyone could understand the desire to race, it would have been Adam. If only he wasn't so hung up on the whole 'illegal' aspect of it. No one was around out here, no one would be bothered or hurt, so what was the big deal?

He looked over at Ellie, who was watching him with her big brown eyes. What did she think? After he won, and he was sure he would, she'd be so excited and impressed. Maybe he'd have the courage to tell her he loved her. Wouldn't that just be the perfect night? Win the race, and tell the girl he loved how he felt and then go to school on Monday as a hero. Daniel smiled to himself at the thought.

Marc saw the change in his expression and knew at once what it meant. "Oh yeah! You're in!" He clapped Daniel on the shoulder eagerly. Ellie's face broke into a grin, too.

"Are you really going to do it, Daniel?" She asked, the excitement flushing her face as she hopped off the hood and came over to him.

He slipped his hands around her waist. "Do you want me to?" He asked her playfully, already knowing the answer.

"It's so exciting, Daniel. I know you'll win!" Her eyes lit up with excitement. "Daniel," she began, tracing her finger along his shoulder, "Can I ride shotgun? Please? It'll be so much fun!" She added when she saw him shaking his head, no.

"Ellie darling, it's dangerous, honey. You could get hurt."

"Come on, Daniel. Nothing's going to happen. Please? I've never gotten to do something like this before."

Marc let out a loud guffaw, "How can you resist that, Daniel? Those big brown eyes!"

Ellie batted her lashes at him playfully and made a pouty face, bringing her hands up in a prayerful, pleading gesture.

Daniel cracked up. Marc was right, how could he resist? This _must be how Adam feels_, he thought_, it's why he can't so no to anything Hannah asks of him._ How could Daniel do any less for the women he loved, like Adam did Hannah? He nodded, "Okay. You can come."

"Yippee!" She squealed, jumping onto Daniel and wrapping her arms around his neck. She planted a kiss directly on his lips. Daniel responded by spinning her around and kissing her soundly back. God, he loved this girl. He couldn't wait to tell her after the race. It would be a perfect night.

The arrangements were made between Geoff and Marc, bets were placed and the cars maneuvered into position.

Daniel and Ellie were seated in Marc's car, buckled in and ready to go. Ellie squirmed in anticipation, unable to keep still.

"I can't believe we're going to do this, Daniel! I'm so excited! It's going to be so much fun."

"It'll be even more fun after we win. We'll be like heroes in school on Monday!" He grinned at her. The adrenaline was coursing through his system, hers as well, he could tell.

Marc hobbled over and leaned down into the window."You all ready?"

"Ready as ever."

"Okay then. When you see that girl's arms drop, hit the gas." Marc pointed to a girl in a white blouse standing some distance away, down the road, in front of the cars. She was far enough away to have room to run to the side before they reached her. Daniel nodded, his eyes now focused on the road and the girl in front of him.

He revved the engine, hands gripping the wheel, eyes glued to the girl. It was now or never. He flicked his gaze briefly to Geoff's mustang beside him, on Ellie's side of the car. Geoff glanced over at him and gave him thumbs up. Daniel swiveled his gaze around to meet Ellie's. She was more serious now, and her hand gripped the door handle so hard her knuckles were white.

"You ok?"

She gave him a quick glance and a tight nod. She was a little scared now, he could tell.

"We'll be fine, Ellie girl. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." She smiled in response, complete trust in her eyes. Daniel turned his attention back to the girl in white.

The next thing he knew, her hands were dropping to her sides and she turned to sprint off of the road. Daniel slammed the gas and pulled out. He risked a glance over to Geoff's car and was pleased to see him a little behind. He felt a thrill of excitement course through him. They were going to do it! He turned his head back to the front of him, just in time to see the girl in white trip and go down right in the path of his car. Without thinking, Daniel swerved to the right to miss hitting her, plowing instead into Geoff's mustang coming up fast behind him.

Then all control of the car was lost and he was powerless to do anything. He was only aware of someone screaming, the sound of screeching metal and the sensation of the car flipping over on its roof.

Pain and fear flooded through him; blinding fear. Confusion reigned. Glass was flying everywhere, metal was crunching, and sounds of screaming filled the air, and then –nothing, as he blacked out.

7b47b

When Daniel came to, all he felt was pain, everywhere. The seatbelt was digging into him and holding him fast in his seat, from which he was hanging upside down. Broken glass was everywhere. His face felt sticky, with blood, he realized. Suddenly he remembered! Ellie! He twisted around to see her. Oh God! The blood! It was everywhere! She hung, much like him, suspended upside down in her seatbelt, her eyes closed. But it was the way her head hung, crooked like that, at that weird unnatural angle that started him screaming. He pawed desperately at his seatbelt, unable to find the release.

Panic and hysteria filled him as he screamed her name over and over. "Ellie! Ellie! Answer me! Ellie! I love you, Ellie! You hear me? I love you, Ellie! Elllieeeee!"

**. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Well now that the story's started, I'll let you all in on the original idea for the death fic. I mentioned it in one of my other stories when the thought first came to me. While watching the cave in episode, Daniel says to Tom Barrett, "I know how it feels to lose someone, especially when it's your fault." (Something like that) And the ah-ha moment popped into my head. What if the boys never came out of the mine? What would that do to Daniel? He would feel such tremendous guilt. What about his relationship to Adam and the rest of the brothers? How would they survive that blow? It intrigued me, but how would I make a satisfactory ending to something like that? The thought of killing off sweet little Guthrie and the others was awful. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so this story was a takeoff on that idea.**

**I want to thank all those who took the time to review. I live for them! I can't tell you how many times I check my email for reviews in the days after I post. So just know how much I value your input and kind words. A special thank you to goes out to **_**Willful Redhead, May7fic, twomoms, pkatt19, and cag45**_**, for reviewing the first chapter. It means a lot. **

_**May,**_** this story's for you, you know why.**

**Chapter 2**

Adam gripped the steering wheel tightly, careening around the corner. Hannah grabbed his knee and wordlessly jerked her thumb towards those behind her in the bed of the truck. Adam nodded, grimfaced. He understood that she wanted him to slow down, as his brothers were being flung around in the back. He did, a little, but his need to get to Daniel right now was so strong, it overwhelmed all reason.

It wasn't slow enough for Brian, though, who sat beside Hannah on the bench seat. He admonished, none too gently, "Slow down Adam. We don't want to hurt the boys."

That got through to him. He took his foot off the accelerator. He couldn't stand the thought of any more of his brothers being hurt.

They reached the County Hospital in record time. Adam parked crookedly in the first space he saw and not waiting for anyone, he jumped out and sprinted toward the building. Hannah caught up to him and grabbed his hand, running with him. Brian glanced at his brothers, who were dismounting easily from the truck, and then followed.

The herd of McFaddens burst through the door and swamped the lady at the front desk.

"Daniel McFadden. Where is he?" Adam burst out. The lady heard the urgency in his voice and directed them to sit in the waiting area while she got someone to talk to him.

_Sit? Who could sit?_ Adam paced nervously back in forth in front of the desk, oblivious to the rest of the family. He needed information now, before he lost his mind. All the information they'd received in the phone call, from the sheriff, was that Daniel had been in an accident and was here. They couldn't even tell him how badly he'd been hurt.

After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor finally came out. Adam was on him in an instant. "My brother, Daniel, how is he?"

The doctor nodded, raising his hands up in a 'settle down' gesture. He was used to dealing with frantic families. "Your brother will be fine, although we want to keep him overnight for observation. He took a hard hit to the head and was knocked out briefly. We had to put about ten stitches in the cut over his eye and several more in other areas. He was pretty cut up from the flying glass. He banged up his left arm pretty good, but it's not broken, however, the bone is bruised and that could take some time until he's not feeling pain there anymore. We put it in a sling for now-"

The relief spread across Adam's face as he let go of the air he'd been holding. He turned to Brian, standing next to him, ready to celebrate. He felt Hannah's hand on his back and saw a smile spreading across Crane's face as well.

"Mr. McFadden. That's not all."

The tone in the doctor's voice had Adam crashing back down immediately. He whipped around to face the doctor.

"I thought you said he was fine." Brian accused.

"Physically, he is. But something else happened tonight." The doctor paused. "There was a young lady in the car with him. Ellie McCormick. I'm sorry to say, she didn't make it."

"What?" Crane stepped forward. "Are you saying that… Ellie died?" A collective gasp was heard from the brothers behind them.

"Oh no!" Hannah let out a sob, covering her mouth with shaky hands. Adam, still staring mutely, wrapped an arm around her.

The doctor continued, "Daniel's in a semi catatonic state right now. We think the shock was just too much for him to handle. He isn't talking, moving or responding in any way."

Murmurs of confusion and concern were heard from the brothers.

"But he's awake?" Brian wanted to know. The doctor nodded.

"Yes, but it's like he's not."

"Does he know about Ellie?" Crane asked, his eyes red rimmed with tears. Adam still stood silent, shock rendering him unable to speak.

"We haven't told him, but I think he already knows, judging from his reaction. When the shock wears off, I expect him to be able to talk about it then. He'll need a lot of time and understanding from all of you as he processes this."

Adam finally spoke up, though his voice cracked when he talked, "Can we…see him?"

"Of course." The doctor looked over the size of the group, "Only two at a time, alright? We don't want to overwhelm him." He lowered his voice and leaned in closer to Adam, "Maybe the youngest shouldn't see him like this." Adam's eyes flickered back to where Guthrie stood behind him with Evan and Ford. Evan was uncharacteristically serious, and Ford and Guthrie looked worried.

"Thanks, doctor." He shook the man's hand and the doctor left. He wasn't about to send in Guthrie, but the others could decide for themselves. Now, who to go in first? He was going, no question. Before he let any of others in, he wanted to see Daniel himself so he could prepare the others for what they'd find. But which brother would be the best to go with him? Crane met his eyes and using that uncanny knack of his, of knowing what Adam was thinking, pointed to himself. Adam nodded. Crane and Daniel shared a special bond. Daniel most likely needed Crane right about now. "Crane and I will go in first. Okay?"

Brian nodded reluctantly,"Yeah, okay."

Hannah answered, "That's fine. Give him our love, okay?"

Adam nodded, and then started off down the long hallway.

Entering Daniel's room, Adam and Crane spied him, curled up on his side, facing away from them, on the bed. He looked small, all hunched up like that, and young and vulnerable.

Adam rounded the end of the bed and came up to Daniel. The first thing he noticed was the vacant stare. It seemed as if he was daydreaming, but Adam knew that wasn't it. "Daniel?" He called softly, squatting down by his side so he could be at Daniel's eye level. His hand reached out and glided through Daniel's clean, silky hair. There was no trace of blood. _They must have washed him up_, the odd thought popped in his head. Daniel did not respond to either his touch or Adam's voice. Not even to flinch. "It's Adam, Daniel. We're all here, now…we're here, buddy…you're gonna be okay." He continued to murmur comforting words to Daniel, and at the same time, ran his fingers through his brother's hair, but the vacant brown eyes continued to stare off into the distance. It unnerved Adam terribly, to see he had no reaction to anything, and tears sprung to his eyes. After several minutes, he turned to Crane, "You try." Moving away, he let Crane take his spot.

Crane took Daniel's hand, and knelt down like Adam had. "Hey, Daniel. Hey there, bud. It's Crane. I'm here. We're all here now…you're not alone anymore… Daniel? Can you talk to me?"

Daniel lay there not responding in any way. He stared at some unseen spot on the wall, unmoving and unfocused.

"Why doesn't he answer, Adam? Does he even hear us?" Crane's voice took on an edge of hysteria. He stood and backed away from Daniel, terrified to see him this way. Adam ignored Daniel for the moment and took Crane by the shoulders. His brother was shaking and tears escaped from his eyes.

"Crane, you need to pull yourself together." He lowered his voice, "He's in shock and probably scared to death. He needs us, Crane. We got to protect him, take care of him. Be there for him. Okay Crane? Can you do that?" Something in the commanding tone of Adam's voice broke through to Crane. He gulped and sucked in a quivering breath, and then dropped back to his knees next to Daniel.

"Its okay, Daniel. It's me, Crane, and Adam. We're not going to let anything happen to you. You just rest now, sleep. We'll stay right here."

7b47b

Crane and Adam stayed the entire night with Daniel, only leaving long enough to let Evan, Hannah and Brian take a turn visiting. They had all agreed not to let Guthrie see him in this state, and Ford was too shook up to go in. The rest of the family received the same blank stares and unresponsiveness. It shocked all of them to the very core to see him this way. Evan and Hannah broke down completely in the waiting room after their turns and none of the brothers had failed to lose a few tears at some point. Brian sat in the waiting room for a long time, holding Evan until he calmed down.

Hannah and Adam had been in the room when the nurse came in to tend to Daniel. She spoke to him as if he was listening and kept up a steady stream of chatter as she took care of him. He never responded. She moved his limbs for him as she rolled him over to his other side, his arms and legs flopping lifelessly along almost as if his body was not inhabited. That had broken Hannah and she'd run from the room, sobbing uncontrollably.

Adam had to hold her for a long while, until she settled down. Eventually they had headed home, leaving Adam and Crane behind. The night was long and stressful for them. They took turns talking to and touching Daniel, hoping either their voices or touch would get through to him. Crane sang to him until he was hoarse. Adam told him stories of when he was little. They had no response. He lay there, in that state for half the night before his body finally gave in and he fell asleep. As his eyes closed, Adam breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe after his mind and body had time to rest and process what had happened he'd be better. By better he meant more responsive, he knew it would be a long time before he was 'better' mentally. Adam watched him sleep, his hand hovering over Daniel's head. He was afraid to touch him, to wake him. When he saw him like this, it was possible to talk himself into the idea that he was just sleeping, that nothing was wrong. But when he looked closer at him, it was impossible to ignore the bruises and cuts littering his face and arms.

Eventually both Adam and Crane managed to doze off into a fitful sleep. They both woke to check on Daniel several times, especially if he made any noises. Because of the little sleep and the late hour with which they'd all finally collapsed, they were still asleep at eight when visiting hours started.

Adam was awakened by a loud ruckus outside the room. He sat up groggily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, aware of Crane moving around behind him. He glanced over at Daniel, but he'd slept through the racket.

"What the heck is going on?" Crane wondered aloud. Adam shrugged as his reply, as he rose to see. Crane staggered to his feet and followed him. Adam peeked out the doorway, afraid of what he'd see. Sure enough, there was Evelyn McCormick, Ellie's mom. Her hair was wild, flying every which way, her face tear stained and her eyes, red. Her sweater hung open, slipping off one shoulder, revealing a stained t-shirt underneath. Evelyn's voice was rising, nearly to a shout now, as she berated the nurse at the desk. Another nurse had come around the front to head her off. Adam could hear enough to know the subject of the tirade was Daniel. He motioned Crane to come out the door so they could shut it, protecting Daniel, within the room, from Evelyn's grief and anger.

The brothers stood outside the door, watching the staff try to redirect her elsewhere. One nurse was one the phone, presumably calling for backup. Evelyn's voice grew louder and Adam and Crane could catch some of what she said. They both know the moment when she spotted them. Her eyes fixated on them and the tirade stopped, if only for a moment.

"You!" She pointed their way as she made her way down the hall towards them. "You're his brothers, aren't you? Is he in there? I want to see him. Now!"

_There is absolutely no way in hell this women was getting anywhere near Daniel_, Adam told himself. He and Crane took up defensive positions outside the door, squaring their shoulders, ready for things to get physical.

"You let me in to talk to him! He killed my daughter! He killed her!" She screamed.

"There's no way you are going in there to talk to Daniel. You need to go home, Evelyn." Adam told her firmly.

"Move out of my way! I demand to speak to him!"

"Evelyn, it's not going to happen." Crane's voice of reason took over just about the time that Adam's temper was beginning to flare up. "You're upset and you really need to just go home now…" Crane seemed to have a calming effect as he droned on, she was silent for now, and it seemed like she was listening. Crane continued, "It was an accident, Evelyn. A terrible, horrible accident. But Daniel never meant for this to happen-"

He was cut off at that moment when Evelyn's outrage exploded, "An accident? You're calling drag racing on the street an accident? He was just asking for something to happen. Why would he let Ellie in the car? He killed her. He did it and there is no way around that fact." Her voice rose again with each word. "I'll be sure everyone in this town knows the truth of what happened. You wait," her tone was menacing, "they'll all know that Daniel is a murderer till I'm through." Then she spat at them and turned on her heel, storming down the hallway just as two orderlies showed up. They walked with her, escorting her down the hall to the doors.

As she disappeared through the swinging doors, Crane turned to Adam and with a shaky sigh, let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Adam clasped him on the shoulder and squeezed. Neither knew what to say for a moment.

Adam felt his anger at Evelyn, drain away. He supposed Evelyn had every right to be upset. God knows, he'd have been if it had been Daniel. But there was no way she was getting access to his little brother. Daniel didn't need to hear any of that. He prayed to God that Daniel was still asleep and hadn't heard.

"I can't believe that." Crane moaned. "How could she do that? Here, in the hospital, even?"

Adam felt a deep feeling of shame and disappointment come over him. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at Crane. "She has every right to be mad at him, Crane. Daniel _did _kill Ellie, even if he didn't mean to. He was the driver. He was responsible." Adam turned and pounded the wall in frustration, "How could he do this? Drag racing again, even after the other crash! And I forbid him from doing it ever again! How could he disobey me in this? I thought he understood how angry and upset I was the last time. What was he thinking?" Adam's anger had found its way to the surface, and it was directed at Daniel, not Evelyn. _How could he have let this happen? What was he thinking?_

Crane watched the emotions sweep across Adam's face and knew his brother was furious. He wasn't in the right frame of mind just now to cope with a very fragile Daniel. "Why don't you take a walk, cool down. You need a few minutes. You can't go back in there like this; Daniel needs our support right now, not our condemnation."

Adam took a deep breath, processing what Crane had said. He shook his head in agreement. "You're right. I'm so mad right now, mad and disappointed," and_ ashamed_, he added silently, "Daniel doesn't need to see me like this."

"Adam, we need to be there for him right now. He's going to need us now more than ever. Don't let him see you like this." Crane admonished his hand on Adam's arm. "You can talk to him later about what he's done, but not now. And maybe not for a long time." His voice was soft, reminding him without words what lay behind the doors.

Adam hung his head, ashamed at himself now, for even feeling this way about Daniel. He pictured the boy in his hospital bed, not responding in any way, unable to process what had happened. Adam was conflicted by his feelings. On one hand, he was determined to protect Daniel and shield him from anyone who would come after him, but on the on other hand, he felt so disappointed and ashamed that Daniel had disobeyed him and let this happen. Crane was right, he needed to take a break and bury his feelings, before dealing with Daniel. He nodded to his brother and headed off the opposite way from where Evelyn had gone.

Crane watched him go. He was afraid his big brother was going to explode at Daniel somewhere along the line; he just hoped Adam could hold it in. Crane pushed open the door and saw Daniel, still in the same position he'd left him in. Crane crossed the room and was immensely relieved to see that Daniel was still sleeping. _Thank God he hasn't heard all that_, he thought to himself as he turned away to pour himself some water. With his back turned, he missed seeing Daniel's eyes flicker open, and the lone tear that trickled down his cheek onto the pillow. By the time he finished his drink and checked on Daniel again, he was fast asleep.

7b47b

It was about an hour later when Daniel opened his eyes. Adam had returned, calm restored to him, for now, and Crane was still there as well. It hadn't taken Adam long to return to his protective side after he saw his banged up, bruised up, emotionally racked little brother, laying there so still in the hospital bed. He allowed the feeling s of sorrow and concern for Daniel to sweep over the other, less charitable feelings he'd had towards him.

The brothers watched him like hawks as he awakened, praying their brother had returned to them and scared of what his reaction would be if he had.

Daniel stretched his arms and rolled over, his face still betraying that his awareness was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, but not really in either place. As he moved around, he saw where he was – and it was not his room at home. His face took on the look of someone who suddenly realized their terror was real and not just a bad dream. As the events returned to him, he sagged back into the pillow, and the horror of what had happened crashed back into his consciousness. Daniel rolled into himself, hugging his torso and rocking against the pain. He pinched his eyes shut, wanting to block out the memory. "No no no no no…" He moaned. Adam and Crane were on him instantly.

Adam grabbed his arms, Crane hovering over his shoulder. Adam was terrified of having Daniel retreat back into his former state. "Daniel!" He practically shouted, scared beyond words of Daniel crawling back into that catatonic unawareness. He gave Daniel a little shake until he opened his eyes and looked at Adam. His voice softened, "It's okay, buddy. We're here. It's going to be okay." Daniel let loose a heart rendering sob and collapsed into Adam's arms. Adam wrapped him up and held on tight, Crane wrapping his long arms around them both, from where he was kneeling behind Daniel. They could do nothing to make the reality and grief go away, so they just held him, murmuring soothing words to him over and over.

7b47b

It was midday when the doctor, true to his word the day before, released Daniel. He'd dozed off again after his breakdown and they had to wake him to get ready to leave. He didn't say a word, but got up on his own, once the IV was out, to dress himself in the bathroom. He was moving stiffly, but his brothers thought he was well enough to handle the chore of dressing. They knew he wouldn't appreciate their help anyhow, just now. Daniel never was one to be coddled. It was an anxious few moments for Adam and Crane as they waited for him to finish. They leaned on either side of the door, listening for any signs of distress.

"Daniel," Crane finally called, "You need any help?"

There was no answer, but Daniel opened the door and came out. His head hung down and he didn't meet either of their eyes.

"You okay? Need any help?"

Daniel briefly glanced up at Crane, and then shook his head before dropping his gaze back down to the floor.

That brief look was enough for Crane and Adam to see the pain filling his eyes. Crane had to choke back his own tears as he followed Daniel out of the room, a guiding hand resting on his shoulders. Adam followed behind.

A deep sadness filled all of them as they prepared themselves for the hard days ahead.


	3. Chapter 3

**In my Time of Dying **

**Chapter 3**

"He's just been sitting there, hitting those same couple of keys over and over for the last hour." Hannah explained, sighing and leaning against Adam. He'd just come in from the doing the barn chores, and found his wife wiping her eyes on a dish towel.

"I ask him if he wants lemonade or a sandwich or if he feels okay, and all he does is shake his head. Adam, he hasn't said a word all morning." She dabbed at a fresh batch of tears. "I'm so worried about him."

Adam wrapped his arms around her, "I know, baby. So am I. We all are." Daniel had been home for two days now, and had barely uttered a word to anyone. _Despondent, that's what he is_, Adam thought.

"I'm worried about how he'll do at the funeral today."

"I'm more scared of what people might say to him. You didn't see Evelyn, Hannah. She's really out to get him. I heard from Ben Gunn- you know he hears all the gossip at his store- that everyone is talking about Daniel and what happened, and the mood is not good. Lots of people are upset and blaming him. I wonder if everyone has turned against us." Adam sighed, the weight on his shoulders pressing down on him. "It could get really ugly today. I don't think Daniel can handle at that on top of…well…" His thoughts tapered off and he gripped Hannah harder than before.

"We'll have to make sure he knows we are with him, that his family understands that what happened wasn't his fault."

Adam didn't say anything. What could he say? Daniel was told never to drag race again, but he did so anyway, and brought Ellie along. Then the crash happened. He _didn't_ understand what Daniel had been thinking and he felt like it _was_ Daniel's fault. How could he expect anyone else feel differently?

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The McFadden family sat towards the back of the church, dressed in their Sunday best. The back seemed like the best place for them. They hoped to avoid some of the more irate members of the community. They'd come in last, and tried to slip unobtrusively into the last pew. But despite their best efforts, heads kept turning their way and angry glares penetrated throughout the church.

Adam had never been this uncomfortable in a church before. He tugged at his tie unconsciously, as he slowly spun his head around to see their friends and neighbors. Did they all hate Daniel now? Were any of them on their side? Hannah gripped his arm offering support and knowing what he was thinking. He glanced down at her, and pulled his mouth up in one corner in an acknowledgement of her comfort.

Daniel was on his other side. His eyes stayed downcast, with deep purple circles under them, his face haggard from lack of sleep. He still bore the bruises and cuts from the accident and his arm was in a sling. He hadn't spoken all day to anyone; it seemed as if he was in a dream world. Crane even had to lay out his clothes for him and remind him to get dressed. He moved and reacted, but he wasn't there. It was as if they had a shell of Daniel instead of the real boy. They were all scared, so scared for Daniel. What would happen to him in the weeks to come? What would happen today? Could he bear to sit through this service? How would everyone treat him? Adam had so many questions and no answers. The rest of the family didn't know either. They were all just as frightened as Adam of what was to come.

The service began. Hannah held Adam's hand, and the touch of one McFadden to another seemed to spread down the pew. Adam kept his other hand resting on Daniel's knee, and Crane's arm was slung around Daniel's shoulders from the other side, forming a protective cocoon around him. Next to Crane, sat Ford and Crane's other arm was thrown around his shoulder. Beside Ford, was Evan, tight up against him. Guthrie was squashed in between Evan and Brian, resting his head on Brian's chest and holding Evan's hand. Brian sat like a sentry at the end of the row, guarding his family, his arm stretched out protectively over Guthrie. No one was getting past either big brother at the end of the pews to get to Daniel. They were poised like sentries over the family.

It was a sad, but sweet memorial, celebrating Ellie's life. Adam wondered, though, how much Daniel was actually aware of. He showed no reaction to anything that was said nor did he ever shed a tear, but anyone who looked at him could tell how deep his misery went.

Crane watched the people who were their neighbors and friends all their lives. He noticed some of the looks thrown Daniel's way had turned from curiosity to sympathy at the sight of his emotionally ripped up little brother. Other looks had become less hostile, more pitying. But up front sat Evelyn and her family. She had yet to look around and spot them and it was her that Crane was the most worried about, for Daniel's sake. He was very worried she was going to say something or start something with him. He glanced at Daniel. What would that do to him?

His hand reached up from his shoulder to pat Daniel's hair. His brother responded to the touch by turning his face towards Crane. The depth of sorrow and pain in Daniel's eyes tore at Crane's heart like a dagger. Crane furiously blinked back his tears as Daniel's eyes glistened with unshed drops of his own. Daniel dropped his head back down, his hair falling around him like a shield.

"Its okay, Daniel." Crane whispered as he tightened his hold on Daniel's shoulder. He saw Adam squeeze Daniel's knee with the hand that rested there. Their eyes meet over Daniel's bowed head. Adam's face was tight with worry that Crane was sure radiated across his own, too. On Adam's other side, Hannah dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Eventually the service ended and with that people began to rise. Brian stretched his neck up to see Adam, their eyes meeting over everyone else's heads. The same thought passed between them. They needed to hurry Daniel out of here before anyone had a chance to say something harsh to him. The family rose almost as one, Crane keeping a hand on Daniel's shoulder as Adam steered him with a hand clasped at his elbow. They quickly exited the church staying largely ahead of the crowd.

Brian passed his brothers to catch up to Adam. He echoed Adam and Crane's thought when he said, "Let's get him out of here." Adam nodded in agreement. They steered Daniel towards the truck and shoved him inside as Hannah climbed in one side and Adam the other. The rest of the family piled in the bed. Adam was just pulling out, when the pastor caught up. Adam had no choice but to roll down the window.

"Adam? Will we see you at the burial?"

"That's where we're headed now, Pastor Tom."

The man nodded and looked at Adam warmly. Pastor Tom Green had known the McFadden's since they were boys and had helped them through the aftermath of their parent's deaths. He'd always had a soft place in his heart for them. And now, looking at Daniel, who was hanging his head down and staring at the floorboards, he knew they needed to know how he felt. "Adam, I want you to know that I understand it was an accident, that it was no one's fault." He paused, "There are a lot of folks here that still support you all. Daniel," he looked past Adam to peer at him. Daniel did not look up or respond, but the pastor continued anyway. "I just want you to know that I am here for you, son, if you want to talk. I don't blame you for what happened."

Daniel made a small gasp, like a wounded animal, and tensed his shoulders, his hands moving to cover his face. Hannah reached over and pulled him towards her. He didn't resist and allowed his head to be pulled against her. He kept his face hidden in his hands as her arms wrapped around him. Adam squeezed his shoulder in support. Small noises continued to emanate from him.

Pastor Tom looked stricken. "Adam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things worse."

Adam tore his gaze from Daniel and back to Tom. "No, its okay, Tom. It's not anything you said. Thanks for your support. Really, we'll call you if we need anything. Right now we better go."

"Of course. See you then." He squeezed Adam's arm through the open window and stepped away from the truck, sincerely hoping he hadn't made things worse.

They drove to the cemetery in silence, Daniel cradled in Hannah's arms the whole way. Adam was almost relieved to see a reaction, any reaction, out of him. The silent, blank stare was unnerving. It took him back to the moment in the hospital when Daniel was catatonic. He never wanted to see anyone he loved like that again.

Once they reached the cemetery, they parked the truck and the brothers scampered out of the back. Adam looked over at Hannah and Daniel. His heart broke wide open at the sight of his brother held fast in his wife's arms. He placed a hand on Daniel's back and rubbed it softly around in circles.

"Daniel? You ready to get out?" He waited a minute or two and when there was no response, he added, "We can wait here a little longer if you want. There aren't many people here yet. We have a few minutes at least." Daniel nodded in agreement, his face still buried in Hannah's shoulder. Adam climbed out of the truck, to join his brothers, leaving only Hannah and Daniel inside.

Outside the truck, the brothers stood nervously around, watching as cars pulled up and their townsfolk and neighbors disembarked. Curious looks were thrown their way, but no one dared approach. The six brothers of Daniel McFadden could look pretty darn intimating when they wanted to.

At last it looked as if most of the people had arrived, including Ellie's mother, grandparents and a man who looked enough like Ellie that he must have been her father. The hearse pulled up and the pallbearers stepped up to fulfill their duty.

Adam opened the passenger door. "It's time, Daniel." His voice was soft and gentle. Daniel lifted his head off Hannah so she could move, but kept his eyes down, his shaggy brown hair once again falling all around his face like a shield. Hannah climbed out and moved out of the way so Adam could reach in and lead Daniel out. He wrapped an arm around his brother, surprised to feel him shaking. His skin was cold to the touch, but he hadn't said anything about it. "Are you cold?" There was no response, which didn't surprise Adam. The kid was in such a state, that he probably didn't even realize how bad he was shaking or if he was cold. He turned to his brothers, "Someone have a coat?" He'd barely finished when Evan shucked off the jean jacket he was wearing and passed it over.

"Here, Adam."

Adam wrapped it around Daniel's shoulders, managing to get him to put his one good arm in the sleeve, leaving the other sleeve hanging vacant over the one that was in a sling. Adam hooking a hand through Daniel's good elbow and they all headed over to the gravesite.

The graveside service was short, but lovely. Before long it was all over and they were lowering the body into the ground. Through it all, Daniel stood with his brothers, but wasn't really there. He was numb and silent, quiet tears slipping down his cheeks. The brothers and Hannah stood there, letting Daniel take the lead. They didn't turn away until he did, following him as he went away. People begin to dispel, more than a few of them casting looks the McFadden's way.

Crane threw an arm over Daniel's shoulders, to offer his support, but also his protection from the crowds.

Daniel's buddy, Marc, hobbled over on his crutches. It had been Marc's car that had been demolished in the crash. The Timmons brothers, Cory and Jase, followed behind him. They were the ones who never showed up that night, forcing Daniel and Ellie to take their places.

"Daniel?" Marc called out as he approached. Daniel stopped walking and his head finally came up to meet his friends' eyes. Marc gasped at the sight of his friend. Daniel was extraordinarily pale, with bruises and stitches all over his face. Tear stains streaked down his cheeks and deep dark circles ringed under his eyes. Marc's face took on a look of pity and sorrow just from seeing Daniel. Jase and Cory stood behind him, watching them all. Tears ran down Cory's face and he hastily wiped a sleeve over them. Marc stepped up to Daniel. "I'm so sorry, Daniel, about Ellie. I'm sorry about everything, man, I should have never… I didn't think … I didn't know this would happen." Marc looked stricken at the part he'd played, "I should have never talked you into taking her along." He reached out to grip Daniel's shoulder. "Please forgive me, Daniel. I never meant for this to happen." Tears welled up in Marc's eyes and spilled over the rims.

Daniel closed his eyes, heaving in a big sigh, steadying himself. When he opened them, he couldn't meet Marc's gaze, but answered softly, "Not your fault, Marc." His eyes flickered up to Marc's and back down. "Not _your _fault." The emphasis did not go unnoticed by Daniel's brothers. They all knew what he meant by that. It was obvious who Daniel thought was to blame. Suddenly overcome by an urge to escape, Daniel moved to get away from Marc and the Timmons' brothers. He pushed ahead of his family and friends, but unfortunately his escape was blocked by someone else.

"You! It was you." Daniel looked up to see the outraged face of Evelyn McCormick glaring down at him. Behind her flanked her parents and Ellie's father, along with several townspeople. Daniel stood alone at the head of his family, frozen in shock. His face had looked even whiter than before, if that was possible. Evelyn's face was that of rage and hatred. Her eyes were red, her face wild and grief stricken. "You're the one that did it!"

"Evelyn, stop. That's enough." someone called out from the crowd.

"No. Let her speak. It was him that killed her daughter." Another voice intruded.

Daniel gasped, but was frozen, staring at Evelyn as if there was a spell that gripped him and didn't allow him to look away. His eyes were glued to her face, his own face dead white. Adam and Crane moved to either side and tried to pull him away, but his body was frozen just like his face.

"How could you have let that happen? Why did you let my baby get in that car?" Evelyn shrieked in his face.

Crowds were beginning to gather around them. Voices echoed Evelyn. Others chimed in on Daniel's behalf, but Daniel only seemed to hear Evelyn's supporters. His breath was coming in hard gasps, as if he couldn't get enough air. Tears ran unchecked down his face. Yet he made no move to get away or to say a word to defend himself. It was almost as if he wanted to hear Evelyn's wrath and abuse.

"You killed her, you realize that?! My baby is dead. Dead! It's all your fault!" She grabbed his shirt and bunched it up in her fists. Daniel flinched, but didn't pull away.

Her family took hold of her then and steered her away. Over her head, Daniel met Ellie's father's eyes. His face was one of grief with maybe even a trace of pity. Pity for who? His ex wife? Daniel? _Surely not for me after what had I did_. And yet there was a look of pity as his gaze stayed on Daniel. Pity from Mr. McCormick was something he could not take. He finally dropped his gaze, not able to meet Mr. McCormick's eyes and turned aside to leave. Adam and Crane took his arms and steered him away from the crowd, glad that this time he was willing to move.

As they led him away, they were accompanied by the ever distant, but still audible, shouts from Evelyn. "You killed her! You killed her!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all so much for the kind reviews and PM's. They are the fuel for my muse! I am so glad the last chapter touched so many of you. It warms my heart to know that you all liked it so much.**

**In My time of Dying**

**Chapter 4**

Daniel's head swam in circles. _Ellie…Ellie…_her face flashed in his mind, over and over, set on replay.

The images were skirting past like a movie in fast forward, and yet they somehow appeared agonizingly slow, too. It was like Daniel couldn't bear to see her again and wanted the 'movie' to be over, and yet he didn't want to stop watching it either. It was his penance to see her over and over and over. _Ellie…_

The pictures of Ellie flashed in the same order he'd seen them in since he woke up in the hospital. It was always the same. _Ellie…_He saw her, as he had the first day he'd met her at school, wearing that green sweater, smiling at him during Chemistry. He saw her riding horses across the ranch with him, their first date. There they were, sitting on the porch at his house, talking about their parents, tears in both their eyes. He saw her sitting in the front row at one of his shows, laughing and singing along, having a great time. Then their hands, interlocked; her face as he leaned in to kiss her; the feeling of her arms around him; the smell of her perfume; the sound of her calling his name. Then he saw her with her hair flowing out over him as she leaned over him lying on the picnic blanket that last day before she...

More images flashed through his pain laced brain, all the good times they'd had, her smile, her hands, her hair. _Ellie…_he moaned silently.

Then came the ending image, the worst one of all, the one that plagued him day and night, the one that woke him whenever he slept, the one that kept him screaming silently inside his head. It was the same one that finished the barrage of agony each time – the one with her hanging upside down in the wrecked Camaro, her head bent sideways, eyes closed, blood and glass all over her; and her so still, so still… _Ellie_…_Ellie._

Daniel felt the tears sliding down his face; it seemed like they were always there now. He couldn't remember a time when there wasn't tears and red, swollen eyes on his face. He saw crying red eyes in those all around him, glaring at him, accusing him, condemning him. He needed to get away from them, from Ellie, from the tears, the eyes, the grief. The walls were closing in all around him and he was suffocating.

He ran; without any awareness of where he was or where he was going. His room, his house, the yard; all vanished behind him in a blur of anguish. Through a fog of pain he ran, his brain barely registering the wet grass soaking through his socks, or the thorn that ripped his sleeve. He stumbled in the dark, over something unseen, unnoticed, but that didn't slow him down either. Regaining his balance, all he knew was to run. Run, run, run! He must run away from her. From all of them, all of the accusing eyes turning his way. He pushed blindly through the trees, the branches, and the rocks, with no idea where he was headed.

Then suddenly the ground disappeared beneath him and he felt himself floating in space. _This is nice, like floating on the lake in the summer, or flying! I've always wanted to go flying! This must be what it feels like. I could be like a bird and just fly away from everything! Maybe I am a bird? Maybe I have turned into one and now I can just fly away from the pain. From her. _

But his delusion ended when his body slammed back down into the hard dirt.Daniel gasped for breath, his chest feeling hollow and caved in. Panic set in as air was denied access to his lungs_. I'm dying, I'm dying…_ the thought wove through his head and a sense of relief accompanied it. _Dying would be good_, he smiled to himself. He gave into the feeling_, I am dying,_ and a peace came over him. His body relaxed; his mind ready to accept the inevitable_. I am dying, and the pain will go away at last, and I will see her again._

But as his body relaxed, the air rushed back into his collapsed lungs, filling them. As his body relished in the relief, his mind twisted in distress. Daniel moaned as he realized he was being denied the one thing that would take all this pain away. _I am __**not**__ dying_. And the sorrow of that knowledge pulled him apart at his very core. Anguish flooded his soul just as pain flooded his body, the injuries from the fall making themselves known. A newfound agony ripped through his bruised and injured arm. Other pains made themselves known, but it was impossible for the boy, lying on the cold, wet ground, to distinguish where they were coming from amidst all the agony his body and mind were experiencing.

_Pain, pain, all around me is pain. Nothing but pain. There was never anything but pain and there never will be again. _ Sobs racked his body and shook his frame as he gave into the enormous feeling of anguish that eclipsed his being.

_Ellie, Ellie, why did you have to go? Why didn't you take me with you?_

7b47b

Daniel was gone.

Crane had woke in the middle of the night. Whether it was his uncanny sense of something being wrong that had woke him, or he'd heard something, he didn't know, but _something_ woke him up. The first thing he'd noticed as he peered into the darkness of his room was the lack of sounds of breathing coming from Daniel's bed. He strained to see if his brother was there or not. Not wanting to wake Daniel if he was asleep, he left the light off and tiptoed over to the other bed.

"Daniel." He whispered, hoping to rouse his brother just enough to see him move. When nothing happened, he risked turning on the light, hoping a quick switch on would let him see what he hoped for – Daniel curled up, sound asleep. But the odd feeling in his gut told him that would not be the case.

The light flooded the room, confirming his worst fears. The bed was empty, the covers pushed back and his pillow on the floor. Crane dropped down on the edge of the bed. Where was Daniel? The rational part of him reasoned that he'd just gone to the bathroom, or to get a drink, but the sixth sense that always seemed to tell Crane when someone was in trouble, was tingling full force. He debated just going back to bed and listening to the calm side of his psyche, but he know he'd never be able to sleep until he saw with his own eyes that Daniel was okay. He pushed off the bed and headed out the door.

The bathroom was the first on his list, but it was empty, so he headed downstairs. Trying to be quiet, so he didn't wake Brian or Guthrie, he snuck into the kitchen, hoping to see Daniel sitting at the table with a cup of water. When there was no sign of him or any drinking glasses sitting out, his worry spiked. _Where else could he have gone? _Clad only in his pajamas, Crane ventured out onto the porch. _Maybe he'd come out here to sit and stare at the stars. _Crane had done that himself many a time when he couldn't sleep. Finding the porch empty, he could only think of one other place Daniel might have gone and that he was willing to search wearing only pajamas. He headed out to and the barn, and once there, he flicked on the light and called out in a whisper, "Daniel?" as if his voice would disturb the animals.

Laughing at his foolishness, he called out louder, "Daniel?" He maneuvered around a stack of hay bales and worked his way deeper into the recesses. Diablo snorted at him as he went by and Crane took second to pet his snout. "Hey there, Diablo. Sorry to wake you. Seen Daniel?" Distracted, he dropped his hand and moved on. "Daniel, you in here? Come on buddy, answer me." He called out several more times as he scoured the entire barn, careful to check all the nooks and crannies. Daniel didn't answer him, but that didn't stop Crane from searching. After all, Daniel hadn't exactly been chatty these past few days. He may not answer at all.

Once the barn had been thoroughly gone over, Crane gave into the panic and worry he'd been trying to shove down inside and ignore. _Something is wrong._ His confused and grieving little brother was nowhere to be found. Crane flicked off the barn light and ran back to the house. It was time to rally the troops.

He raced up the porch steps and flung open the door, not caring about the noise anymore. He turned on the lamp by the door, calling softly to Brian while he did so. If he could get the older ones awake without disturbing the younger ones, so much the better. He crossed the room in several big strides and was at Brian's side in seconds.

"Brian," he shook him, "Brian wake up. Something's wrong."

Brian was instantly awake, after years of practice at being jolted awake by some catastrophe or another he was able to get lucid quickly.

"Who's sick?" He muttered, sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

Crane shook his head, "No, no one's sick. Daniel's missing."

Brian's head jerked up to meet Crane's, "What do you mean missing?" He hissed, mindful of Guthrie.

"I checked the bathroom, kitchen, barn, everywhere. There's no sign of him. I'm worried, Brian. I think we better wake Adam and go looking."

Brian nodded his head, not liking the sound of this at all. "Okay. I'll get dressed. You go wake up Adam."

"Try not to wake, Guthrie,huh? He'll just get scared."

"Yeah." Brian agreed.

Within fifteen minutes, the older member s of the McFadden clan was gathered in the kitchen. Adam, Crane and Brian were finishing getting their coats and boots on, while discussing where to look. Hannah had been elected to stay behind in case he came back, and to look after the ones who were still sleeping. As they finished, Evan wandered into the kitchen, wrapping his robe around himself.

"What's going on?" he wondered aloud.

Brian looked up, "Daniel took off. We're going to go look for him."

"What?! Wait, I'm coming, too." He made as if to run upstairs.

"Evan, hold on. We're ready to go already. You stay here with Hannah." Adam commanded. He held up his hand at the inevitable protest. "Look, I need you to search around the house and barn periodically in case he comes back, but doesn't come inside. Hannah could use your company, too. Daniel's not thinking clearly; be gentle if you find him. Okay?"

Evan nodded in agreement, although he wasn't happy about it. He and Hannah walked the others to the door and watched as they disappeared out into the night.

7b47b

Brian rode ahead of his brothers, shining a flashlight into the darkness. Adam and Crane's light beams circled around, all three looking for clues as to what direction their brother had gone. They were on horseback, having done a search around the property on foot first. Now they were widening their search, making a big circle around the house and barn.

"Where is he?" Frustration oozed through Brian's words. He was tired and worried.

"How far do you think he went?" Crane answered his question with a question.

Adam's voice was strained, betraying the worry he felt. "I don't know, but we need to find him _now_." He had a sense of unexplained urgency. Daniel was in trouble, he just knew it, what kind of trouble was another story. Was he hurt or worse yet, had he slipped back into that awful catatonic state he'd been in at the hospital? That was Adam's worst fear that he could go back there. He hadn't told anyone about the nightmares he'd had ever since then. Even Hannah hadn't known. If she caught him awake, he'd make up some story about checking on Daniel. But the last three nights, he saw one of the family in that blank, not-really-there state of being, sometime during his sleep. If he was lucky it was only one a night. More often as soon as he fell back asleep, the nightmare would reappear. One night it was Guthrie, blank face and vacant, no laughter, no attitude, no questions. He looked like some kid out of a horror movie. Then there was one where Brian would not respond and Adam had lost his right hand man, leaving a hole in him a mile wide. Each time he'd wake up in a cold sweat, panting hard and with the person's name on the tip of his tongue as if he'd just been calling out to them. Unable to sleep afterwards, he'd wander the house for awhile, checking on each of his brothers and Hannah. One night he'd sat for an hour staring at Evan, after dreaming about him, just willing him to make some kind of noise so he'd know for sure he was aware. He once even woke Crane up – just enough to get him to mumble an obscenity at Adam for waking him before rolled over and went back to sleep. He couldn't bear to see anyone like that again. It had been the scariest thing ever.

They needed to find Daniel, in whatever condition he was in. Adam would take anything over the nightmare of him in that state again.

"Adam, look!" Brian's voice broke into his thoughts. "Check this out." He held up a freshly broken branch for inspection under the flashlight beam.

"Could have been an animal."

"Yeah, but here are footprints." Brian was off his horse now, crouching in the dirt.

Adam hopped off his horse for a closer inspection. Thank God for Brian, he was the best tracker in Murphys. Brian was right, now that Adam was looking at them, he could easily see the footprints in the soft earth in his flashlight beam.

"They go off this way. Come on!" He scampered back on his horse and they took off after the tracks.

The three brothers rode through the trees in the dark and cold. They could hardly see beyond the beams of their flashlights. Every now and then, one of them would spot another broken branch or footprint left behind during Daniel's mad dash.

"Why did he come up this way? There's nothing here but trees and rocks." Crane commented.

"Maybe that's why he came up here. Too be alone."

Adam was silent and thoughtful. "I wonder if he even knew where he was going. It seems to me like it may have been totally random. If he wanted to come this way, why wouldn't he have taken the trail? I doubt he knew where he was going."

Crane and Brian mulled that over. If that was true, then in what state of mind, or body for that matter, would they find their little brother in? They pushed on, more determined than ever to find him quickly.

But a few minutes later, they came out of the trees and into a patch of rocky ground, which obliterated the trail completely.

"Damnit! Trail's gone." Brian exclaimed, frustration evident.

"Spread out, see if you can spot any signs." Adam instructed. They obeyed instantly, Adam going straight, and the other two veering off on each side. The rays of light from their flashlights swept the area, hunting for any clue as to which way he might have gone. On the other side of the rocky patch, where the tree line began again, the brothers meet up.

"Nothing. I can't find a thing." Brian slapped his hat on his knee in frustration. "You guys?"

"No, no sign of anything." Crane said, Adam nodding in agreement.

Brian sighed, "What do we do now-"

"Shh! I heard something." The brothers fell silent, listening. There it is was, a small sound, barely audible.

"What is that? An animal?" Brian asked.

Crane motioned for him to be quiet. Once he heard it again, he turned his horse that direction. "Daniel!" He shouted. He continued towards where he had heard the sound coming from, Adam and Brian directly behind him. They crossed the patch of rocks and to the right of where they'd come up from, the noise was heard again.

"There! I hear it, too!" Adam pointed. They pushed their horses as fast as they dared, but the terrain was too rough for hurried travel. Frustrated, Adam dismounted and ran across the rocks, dropping his horse's reigns as he went. He was close, he knew he was. He stumbled to his knees in his haste to get to the sound, cracking his shin on a rock. He felt a hand under his elbow, pulling him upright. Glancing back, he saw Brian there, helping him up. Further back, he saw Crane had dismounted as well.

"You okay?" Brian asked.

Adam just nodded and as soon as his feet were under him, he took off again. He entered the trees again, his brothers behind him. The noise had stopped for now, but they knew which direction it had come from. Adam felt the ground raising upwards as he ascended a slope. He briefly hoped the horses were still behind them, but he didn't even pause to turn around and look at them. Branches brushed across his face, none too gently, but that did not stop him either_. He was just ahead_, Adam thought, _just up there at the top of the slope; that was where the sound was coming from_.

Adam was single minded in his mission to get to the top, so much so that he was plowing ahead, not really watching where he was going.

"Slow down!" admonished Crane.

"Adam! Watch out!" Shouted Brian, just as the ground vanished beneath Adam and he felt himself falling. He landed with a thud on his feet, hard, about five feet down from where he started and then tumbled forward onto his hands and knees. He shook his head to collect himself and rocked back on his heels, hands splayed across his knees. In the darkness he could just make out a strange shaped form huddled in front of him. Feeling the ground around him, he came up with his flashlight not far from him and snatched it up. He was relieved to see the beam of light as he flicked the switch. He aimed it at the dark lump in front of him. It wasn't a tree or bush, was it a rock? Or-

"Daniel!" He realized what he was seeing and crawled on hands and knees to his brother. In the dim light of his flashlight, he could see Daniel was crouched in a tight ball, hugging his knees with one arm, the other cradled in his lap. He only wore pajama pants and a t-shirt, and no shoes. Another noise came from him then and Adam grabbed him by the closest arm, intending to pull him around to face him. What he didn't realize, was that it was his bruised arm he was grabbing, or that Daniel had landed on it not long before. Daniel squealed in pain and jerked away from Adam, pressing himself farther back into the slope.

"Adam, what's going on?" Crane called as Adam heard him and Brian making their way down the slope. Adam didn't bother to answer as he approached Daniel, this time with his hands outstretched, careful not to touch him. He recognized that Daniel had cried out in pain, and he was afraid to touch him again in case he hurt him. Or scared him.

"Daniel. It's Adam. It's me. I'm here with Crane and Brian… are you okay?" He felt, rather than saw his brothers joining him on either side. Their flashlight rays soon joined his. In the glow, they all could see Daniel, huddled fearfully in the weeds and undergrowth, covered in dirt and shivering.

Adam moved towards him, only to be stopped by Crane's hand on his arm. "Let me." And Crane pushed past him to approach Daniel. Brian's eyes flicked over to Adam, making sure in a quick scan that he hadn't been hurt in his fall. He took up position beside Adam, hand resting on his shoulder.

Crane came up beside Daniel and turned the flashlight on his own face. "Daniel. Look, it's me." Crane paused, not sure what to say next. "What are you doing up here, buddy? We've been looking everywhere for you." He moved up beside him, now shining the light at Daniel's body, looking for injuries. "Are you hurt?" He chanced reaching up and brushing the hair off Daniel's forehead. Something dark was there, but Crane could not tell if it was blood or dirt. He ghosted his hand over Daniel's sore arm, bringing a gasp from his brother's lips. "Did you bang up your arm?" Daniel did not answer, but allowed Crane to move his arm and run his fingers over it. Satisfied that there was no obvious misshape to the limb and that Daniel was in no danger of bleeding to death, he looked in his brother's eyes.

The depth of pain that reflected there stunned Crane speechless. All he could do was stare at Daniel, watching as his baby brother crumpled before him.

"Crane," Daniel cried softly, before falling into his brother's arms, his walls collapsing as the sobs ripped through him. Crane held him, as tight as he dared to without hurting him further. Daniel grabbed onto him with a death grip, the cries shaking his body. Crane wasn't surprised when he felt tears streaming down his own face, but what really shook him was when Daniel cried, softly, "Why did it happen? Why her…why her… and not me?" The last words were so soft that Crane wasn't sure he'd even heard him right. The only thing he could do was squeeze his little brother even tighter, not trusting himself to be able to speak at all and having no idea what to say even if he could talk.

Adam and Brian moved in to flank Crane and Daniel and huddled close while Daniel poured out all his pain. When Daniel finally showed signs of quieting, Crane pulled him back, though still holding onto him and said, "How 'bout we get back home, huh Daniel? Get you cleaned up some and in warm clothes? That sound good?"

Daniel hadn't noticed how cold he was until then. He shivered and hugged his arms, nodding in agreement. Adam shucked off his jacket and wordlessly wrapped it around Daniel. Daniel meet Adam's eyes and gave him a brief smile of thanks. Crane and Brian pulled him up off the ground.

"Can you walk?" Brian asked. Daniel nodded in reply. Brian stroked his hair as he led him out of the undergrowth. Working their way up the slope was harder than it had been coming down and they had to be careful not to fall.

Adam clambered up to the top and pulled Daniel up the rest of the way. Taking advantage of the closeness in proximity, he softly asked, "Are you okay, now?"

Daniel did not answer right away, taking a moment to think about it. He did feel better, having had a chance to release his grief like that. He also felt safe, here, surrounded by his brothers. They had come out here, in the middle of the night, to find him and take him back home. He felt loved and protected. Looking up at Adam, he was filled with a sense of comfort that his older brother was here. Adam would make everything alright, he always did. Maybe he could find a way to put Daniel back together again. He nodded in response to Adam's question, and then felt that his worried brother needed to hear his voice, "I'm better now. Thanks for coming to get me." But as the brothers stared at each other, some trace of emotion flickered across Adam's face and Daniel's good feeling wavered a bit. He did not have time to think about it though, because Brian and Crane met them as they finally got themselves up to the top and were hauling him along.

The horses were easily recaptured and the brothers remounted with Crane and Daniel riding double. The ride back was much shorter as they could head straight there instead of searching. Before they knew it, they were back at the ranch house. Evan and Hannah ran out to meet them.

"Daniel! You okay?" Evan called up. Crane rode up beside him and Daniel slid off the horse, Evan catching him to make sure he was steady. Hannah joined them and she and Evan helped him into the house while the others took care of the horses. Daniel's disheveled state did not escape Hannah's careful eye, or the fact that he was limping slightly and holding his arm.

"Come on Daniel. Let's get him over to the couch, Evan." Hannah commanded. The arranged Daniel on the couch, pillows behind his back. "Where are you hurt, Daniel?" Hannah asked.

Daniel looked as tired as he felt as he answered, "I landed on my arm, but its okay now. My feet hurt."

Hannah looked at his feet, clad in socks so filthy they were black.

"Geez, Daniel, you don't have on any shoes!" Evan exclaimed.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious." Daniel quipped, sardonically, having regained some of his old fire back.

Hannah peeled off Daniel's socks, gasping as she took in all the cuts and scrapes covering the bottom of his feet. "Oh my gosh, Daniel. Look at your feet!"

"I'll get the first aid kit." Evan said, without being asked. By the time he got back down, his brothers had come in from the barn. Together they cleaned up Daniel's wounds. The boy was covered in scratches and cuts from the tree branches. They padded his feet with gauze pads and used a roll of it to wrap around each foot, holding the pads in place. Hannah cleaned and bandaged his cuts. Luckily the fall hadn't hurt him badly. Throughout it all, Daniel sat stoically, letting them tend his wounds. When he was finally done, they helped him up to bed.

An hour later Adam found himself sitting alone at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. It was too close to their regular time to get up for Adam to fall back asleep. Besides, he was too jacked up with adrenaline anyway. Brian had fallen asleep, next to Guthrie on the pull out, fully clothed on top of the blankets and Hannah was on the other couch. Crane had gone up to bed with Daniel, to keep an eye on him until he was asleep. Evan had gone back to bed as well. So it was only Adam, hands hugging the warm mug as his thoughts drifted. He was scared. More scared then he'd been in a long time. The memories of that time, ten years ago, kept popping to the surface. The same helpless feeling of grief had threatened to swallow him whole back then, and here it was again. He'd only been Daniel's age then, and charged with caring for a whole pack of devastated brothers. He'd felt like this then- helpless and inadequate. How could he help Daniel get through this? Could Daniel ever get past this? Would he ever fully recover? Adam was scared for his little brother and he didn't know what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: Sorry for the long delay! We have been plagued by respiratory infections at this house, dental visits, and tendinitis in my shoulder (no typing!) As well as general laziness! Since I slacked off, I am going to try and post the next chapter quickly since it is done, too. I just want to go over it again. This chapter was not in my original plans, but I felt it needed added to address the legal concerns. Thanks to May for her leg work, we know that laws in CA in the '80's were much more lax; street racing was not even illegal back then. So based on this and more information, I came up with this chapter. Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to review – I live for them. **

**Chapter 5**

Adam was enjoying a calm moment of peace for once. He sat, rocking back on his chair legs, feet propped up on the porch rail, fiddling with a lariat of Evan's. It was in need of some rebraiding, so Adam was enjoying a quiet moment of work that required no thought whatsoever. He looked forward to the smile on Evan's face when he gave it to him later. He needed something pleasant to think about. The last few days had been hard on them all.

It had been two nights since the funeral and the subsequent nighttime jaunt through the woods.

Daniel had been quieter than usual, but not mute, so Adam wasn't real concerned about that. It was the crying jags he'd been having that were unsettling, even though they were expected and normal. The family was glad, really, that he was expressing his pain. But it was hard to watch him fall apart like that.

Last night, Adam had found him in this very spot, head in his hands, silent tears running down his face. He had slipped down into the chair next to him and reached an arm over, pulling Daniel's head onto Adam's shoulder. They'd sat that way for awhile, not saying anything, just being together, Adam holding Daniel.

Adam had heard the screen door open once, but whoever it was went back inside once they'd saw the two of them together. They had all been respectful of Daniel these last few days. No one wanted to overwhelm or embarrass him by crowding around when he was upset, but no one wanted him to suffer alone, either. It was an unspoken thing that if one of them was with Daniel and had things under control, the others backed off; even Guthrie seemed to understand it. It was almost instinctual to them.

The two of them had sat like that for quite a while, until Daniel had straightened up, dried his face and offered Adam a mumbled 'thanks', as he rose. He offered a one sided upwards pitch of his mouth, that was almost a smile, to Adam, before he turned to go in. They hadn't even said a word to each other. Adam had smiled back, reassuring Daniel and himself that his brother would be fine.

Yes, Daniel would be alright, Adam was finally able to tell himself, with some degree of confidence. He was sure his brother was working through his pain pretty well and would be back to his old self soon.

He was jerked out of his thoughts by the sound of car tires crunching up the gravel driveway. He glanced up, squinting in the sunlight. Charlie? Was that Charlie, in his sheriff's car, coming up the drive? Adam's chair plopped back unto all four legs and his hands dropped into his lap. He had a sinking feeling about this visit and the peace that was in his heart only a moment before, vanished. _What if he's here about Daniel? He's got to be here about that, what else could it be?_

Charlie, who was an old friend of Adam's, pulled up to the house. He climbed out of the car and made his way up the walk, but not as a man condemned, so it gave Adam some hope that it wasn't all bad news.

"Hey ya, Charlie. What brings you out this way? Or don't I want to know?" He tried to keep the quiver out of his voice as he attempted a lightness he didn't necessarily feel.

Charlie paused halfway up the steps, and leaned on the railing. "Well, I'm sure you know why I'm here. I have to talk to Daniel, Adam." He held up his hand at Adam's protest, "Look, I waited until after the funeral and all, but I really need to do my report now. I already talked to Marc and the rest of the kids that were there."

"Then why do you need to talk to Daniel?"

"I need his side of things, Adam."

Adam sighed in resignation. He had suspected this was coming sooner or later. His protective instincts flared up. "Is he going to be charged with anything, Charlie?" He rose and came down to stand on the step with his friend, where he could look at him eye to eye.

"I don't know, Adam. I hope not, but I can't say until I have all the information."

Adam nodded and turned to go up the steps, "Okay, I'll get him."

At the door, he swung it open and poked his head in, "Hey, Ford, will you get Daniel for me? I think he's upstairs."

"Sure."

Adam let the screen door swing shut and turned back to Charlie. "Be easy on him, huh, Charlie? He's really been through a lot."

Charlie's face was sympathic, "Absolutely, Adam. Like he was my own brother."

Adam nodded back in acknowledgement. Charlie was someone he could trust. In the awkward moment that followed, Adam remembered his manners and offered Charlie a drink, to which the officer politely declined. Then Daniel appeared at the front door and the small talk stopped.

Daniel appeared frozen behind the screen door. He looked nervous and scared.

"Come on out, Daniel." Adam commanded, though gently. He beckoned his suddenly shy brother out onto the porch with them. Daniel complied, though with some reluctance.

"Hi, Daniel." Charlie plastered a smile on his face, trying to convey that he wasn't a threat.

Daniel acknowledged him with a nod, speechless.

"Well, you can probably guess why I'm here." His tone was soft and gentle. "I need to hear from you about the night of the crash."

Daniel went white instantly, as he stared, mutely at the sheriff. His eyes were huge, fear radiating out. He'd been dreading this moment, having to tell the story to someone, though he knew it would come. The time that had passed had lulled him into the idea that maybe he wouldn't have to speak about it after all. He dropped his eyes to the floor beneath him and felt, rather than saw, Adam materialize at his side.

"Daniel?" The worry was evident in Adam's voice as he gripped his brother's arm. "You okay?"

Daniel took a deep swallow before nodding tersely.

"Why don't you sit down, son?" Charlie suggested, not liking the lack of color on Daniel's face.

Adam guided Daniel to the chair he'd recently vacated and pushed him into it. He knelt down in front of him, keeping a hand on his brother's arm. "Look, let's just get this over with, okay, buddy? Just answer his questions, tell him what happened and then it's done, right Charlie?" He called over his shoulder.

"I think so. I'll use the information in my report and if it doesn't need to go any further, than that'll be the last time you have to tell it." Charlie took the chair next to Daniel's, wanting to be on the same level as the boy and not hovering over him. Adam continued kneeling at Daniel's side. "Now why don't you just tell me, in your own words, what happened."

Daniel took a deep breath to steady himself, but even so, his voice came out quiet and scared and not at all Daniel-like. "Well, me and …um…we decided to go watch the drag race…cheer on Cory and Jase."

"Those the Timmons brothers?"

"Yeah. Only they didn't show and this guy, Geoff, was talking trash about our school and so…well…I decided to challenge him." Daniel spilled out the story, his shoulders bunched up with tension.

"Hmm, your friend, Marc, says he talked you into it."

"No! I wanted to do it." Daniel's head came up and he looked at Charlie defiantly.

Charlie backed off. "Okay son, but you didn't go there with that intention right?"

"No."

Charlie looked thoughtful. He proceeded with caution with what he had to ask next, sensing Daniel's fear. He gentled his voice even more. "How about Ellie getting in the car with you? How did that happen?"

Daniel looked stricken and his eyes filled with tears, "I… I should 'a never let her… it's all my fault." The tears spilled over and down his face. Adam gripped his knee, hoping his support would be conveyed by that simple touch.

"Marc said that Ellie insisted on going along and that he pressured you into taking her."

Daniel leapt to his feet, pushing Adam away, the tears still flowing even as his voice took on an angry tone. "That's not true! It was all me! Not her!" His stance was angry, fists clenched at his sides. Adam rocked back on his heels, surprised at the outburst. The anger seemed out of place on Daniel. Lately he'd been so complacent; Adam was almost happy to see some of his fire back.

"Now son, calm down-"Charlie tried, his hands outstretched in a non threatening gesture.

"No, you listen to me. It was my fault, my idea, no one else's. So if anyone's getting in trouble here, it should be me."

"At this point no one's getting in trouble. As far as I can see it was an accident. Obviously the drag racing was a bad idea, but considering the circumstances, we may be able to chalk it up to reckless driving, maybe a fine, and that's all. That's what I'm trying for here, Daniel. I want to help you out, kid. Now look, just tell me about what caused the accident, okay?"

Daniel wiggled uncomfortably from one foot to the other, but he calmed down enough to relay the story about the girl in white who had fallen and what that had led to.

"Good, Daniel, that's exactly what the others said, too. She fell and you swerved."

Daniel nodded in concurrent. That much he could agree to.

"Is that when the car flipped?"

Daniel nodded, suddenly not able to trust his voice. Pictures of the crash flooded his mind. He felt the panic rising.

"Ok, Daniel. That's all I need."

"I can go then?" He mumbled quietly; sedate now, the anger gone as quickly as it had come.

Charlie nodded and Daniel took off at a run to the barn.

Adam turned to Charlie, "Did you get what you needed?"

Charlie nodded again.

"What happens now?"

"I think we can chalk this up to reckless driving, like I said and kids being stupid. He might get a fine, but I think he won't be charged with anything else, maybe not even that. After all he was swerving to miss that girl. He had no way of knowing what was going to happen. He may have actually saved her life."

Adam sighed a sigh of relief. The possibity of Daniel getting in trouble had been a nagging thought in the back of Adam's mind all along. "What really happened out there, Charlie? Daniel hasn't said anything until just now."

"Well, this guy, Marc, said he talked Daniel into it. Said Daniel didn't even want to do it, that he was afraid of getting you mad, but that he finally gave in to Marc's pressure. Ellie was the one that insisted on riding along, and Daniel tried to dissuade her. I'm not sure why he thinks it's all his fault."

Adam knew. "He's feeling guilty over the whole thing, Charlie, wouldn't you? We just have to give him some time. He'll be fine. And, Charlie, thanks for coming out. I feel such relief. I was really worried about what might happen."

"Anything I could do to help, Adam." He grinned, than just as quick, the grin faded as he faced the barn. "Will he be alright?"

"Yeah, I'll go talk to him. He'll be fine. I'm sure he was just as worried about this as I was."

Charlie and Adam chatted a few more minutes, and then Charlie took his leave.

Adam stood watching him drive away. Then he looked toward the barn where Daniel was. _Daniel._ He needed to go talk to him. It seemed as though Daniel was still upset. _But why?_ _Why did Daniel seem to get mad at Charlie's suggestion that he wasn't to blame? Shouldn't that have relieved him?_

Adam stood on the porch, debating what to do, should he go and talk to Daniel or just let him alone for awhile? In the end he convinced himself that Daniel would be fine, that he would come around eventually and realize that it was good news. But if Adam were being honest with himself, he was enjoying this moment of happiness and didn't want to lose it by talking to Daniel. He turned away from the barn and went back into the house. Ford was gone, out to do chores, Adam figured. Hannah, Brian and Guthrie had gone into town for supplies, and Evan was out for a horseback ride with some girl. That just left Crane. It was fine by Adam; Crane was just the person he needed to talk to.

He found Crane hunched over the desk, Daniel's hospital bill in hand. He ran a hand through his sandy colored hair, pushed back his glasses and looked up at Adam. He leaned back in the chair, studying his big brother. He was smiling. Weird. Crane hadn't seen him smiling for some time now.

"What?"

Adam didn't say anything, just sat on the edge of the desk.

"Well, are you going to tell me what's got you feeling so happy? I could use some good cheer." He gestured towards the bills on the desk.

"Charlie was just here. He said he thinks everything will be okay as far as Daniel and the law. He said there shouldn't be a problem, because Daniel swerved to miss a girl crossing the road which led to the crash. He said maybe reckless driving, but he didn't sound like that was going to stick either. He said the others pressured Daniel into it, that it wasn't really his idea." Adam's grin spread across his face and he grabbed up a paper, rolled into a tube and smacked Crane with it. "What do you think of that? Huh? Isn't that great?"

"Yeah," Crane shook his head in disbelief, relief flooding through him. "Wow, that's awesome. How did Daniel take it?"

Crane watched as the smile faded. "I don't know. It was strange. He actually acted upset about what Charlie said. You know," Adam chuckled bitterly, "if I didn't know better, I'd say he wanted to get in..." He dismissed that thought as soon as it occurred. "Nah, that couldn't be it. He'll be fine as soon as he thinks things over." He looked at Crane, who was still silent, leaning back in the chair to study Adam. "What do you think?"

"I don't know, Adam. Maybe he did want to be punished. I think he feels really guilty over all this. Maybe getting in trouble would make up for what happened, in his mind at least. I think he feels he deserves to be punished. Maybe even wants to be. You know as atonement."

Adam stood up. "That's crazy. Why would he want to get in trouble? No Crane, you're wrong about all this." Adam backed away, "He just needs to think it over. That's all. He'll realize how good a deal he's getting. He'll be fine." He turned away from Crane, the good feeling he'd had a minute before washing away and a chill creeping over him. _Crane's wrong, Daniel is doing okay. Better every day. He __**will**__ be okay_.Adam told himself,as heheaded out the door. He needed to take a walk, get away from everyone, especially Crane and his ridiculous ideas.


	6. Chapter 6

In My Time of Dying

Chapter 6

The next week passed in kind of a haze for Daniel. He stayed home from school for the entire time, mostly hiding out in his room or doing chores in the barn. He had taken to going for long horseback rides on the property by himself, disappearing for hours at a time. None of the family liked it, but they didn't want to stop him either. Crane offered more than once to accompany him, but Daniel would always turn him down with a shrug and head shake. Wanting to give him some space, Crane backed off.

Daniel had been joining in more and more, especially with the chores, as his body healed. It seemed he wanted to keep busy, so the brothers tried to find him things to do that would keep him busy, but not reinjure his arm. He may have physically been with them more, but he still wasn't himself. He was much quieter than usual, sometimes going a whole day without saying more than a few words. It was unnerving to have him there, but not really there. The family tried to be understanding and not push him, but more than once Hannah had tears in her eyes during dinner as she watched Daniel pick at his food, his mind lost somewhere else. Sometimes it seemed as if he'd never go back to the old Daniel they knew so well. They were all afraid that would turn out to be true, that the old Daniel was lost forever to them.

During the last week, each member of the family had found him somewhere, crying, at one time or another. After one particularly bad moment when Guthrie came upon him, he had resorted to taking the long horseback rides by himself anytime he was going to break down. Guthrie had found him completely broken down and sobbing, and had been so scared that he'd run off and hid, scared for Daniel. It had taken an hour for Adam to finally find the youngest member of the family. Since then Daniel tried not to let Guthrie see him upset.

Daniel's nighttime escapade and breakdown, the night after the funeral, was somewhat cathartic for Adam, though. Finding him, hale and whole that night he'd run away after the funeral had been a turning point for Adam's nightmares. Seeing that Daniel hadn't reverted to that catatonic state had somehow relieved his fears and the nightmares had tapered off. Then, with Charlie's visit, Adam felt like the worst was past them. Daniel was moving on, they all were.

Today was the day that he was finally going to go back to school. He had been off for a week, and the work was really starting to pile up. Evan had brought home his homework, but he had three tests and a lab to make up. He wanted to go back, and at the same time, he didn't. He missed Marc and his other friends and relished in the idea of some semblance of normality, but he was also afraid that he wouldn't be able to make it through the day. There hadn't been a day yet, when he hadn't broken down crying. All the sights and people at school would be reminders of her, too. But he had to go back sometime.

He sat in his room; half dressed, knowing it was time to get moving, but not able to convince his body to do so. He sat, staring at the floor, shirt across his lap and socks in hand. Daniel's brain flooded with scenarios of what would come today. _What if everyone stares? What if they all hate me now? Can I really do this?_ _What if they say I ki_… he couldn't even finish the thought. At that moment, as if by some silent cue, there came a soft knock on his door. It opened, and Evan's head poked in. He took in the sight of Daniel, clad only in his jeans, staring dejectedly at the floor. He stepped in the room and closed the door behind him. "Hey there, brother. I think you need more then jeans to go to school. Someone might notice." He cocked a small grin at Daniel, but it faded quickly as Daniel looked up at him. In his eyes shone fear, plain as day. His big, tough brother, who never backed down from anything, was afraid. Evan crossed the room and sat down beside him on the bed. "What's wrong?" He asked softy as an opener. He was pretty sure he already knew.

"I don't know if I can do this, Evan."

The heartbreak in Daniel's voice tore Evan's heart to shreds. He swung his arm around Daniel's shoulders and hugged gently. The kind gesture caused the tears to start in Daniel's eyes. He brushed at them impatiently, annoyed that he was crying, especially in front of Evan.

"Hey, it's okay, brother. What are you worried about exactly?"

Daniel shrugged, more to buy time to calm down than anything else. Then again, he wasn't sure he could put his thoughts into words. He needed to, though. He found he wanted to share with Evan what was bothering him. Struggling to put his thoughts into words, he muttered quietly, "I'm scared. What if I can't do this? What if I can't face them? Everyone's going to hate me." He wiped at tears again. He was embarrassed to break down in front of his kid brother, but if he had to admit to it, he was relieved, too, to be able to talk about it.

"No they won't. Your true friends will be there for you. And you got me and Ford. We got your back." He squeezed Daniel's shoulder again, hard, as if to drive the point home. Daniel rewarded him with a glance upwards and a half grin. "Hey listen. Your first class is what, math, right? Well, I'm just two doors down. After class you wait for me and I'll walk with you to the next class. We got lunch together and gym today. And in seventh period, you are right next to Ford. He already said he'd be there after that and you guys can hang out until the bus comes. Okay? And isn't Marc in History with you? That's the majority of the day. We'll be with you almost all the time, okay?" He kept his arm around Daniel and watched his face as he sucked in a breath and quit crying. "And look, if it gets too bad, just call home. Adam or Brian will be glad to get you right away. No one in the office will care if you just bag the rest of the day if you need to."

Daniel wasn't sure if he believed everything Evan said, but he let himself be reassured. He nodded and looked at his brother. "I guess it's all worked out then. I better get dressed." Evan stood to leave. "Evan," Daniel called, "Thanks."

"Anytime, big brother." A big grin flashed across his face and he turned and left.

Daniel hunted around for a shirt that suited his mood. He finally settled for a drab gray one, handed down from multiple brothers. It may not have been gray to start with, but after years of washing and wearing, that's what it looked like now. It fit Daniel's spirits exactly. Grabbing up his backpack, he headed down the stairs. He could smell breakfast, pancakes and sausage he thought. Normally it was his favorite, and it was just like Hannah to remember that and make it especially for today. However, with the flip flopping his stomach was doing, a heavy breakfast like that was out of the question. Wanting to avoid the inevitable questioning, he bypassed the kitchen altogether and snuck out the door to wait for his brothers, on the porch. He didn't want to seem ungrateful to Hannah or see his family's worried glances when he didn't eat. After sitting out there for several minutes, he thought he may have gotten away with it, until he door opened behind him. He turned slowly around to see Crane coming out.

"There you are. We were looking for you. Hannah made pancakes." Crane sat down on the top step beside his brother.

"I know. I just couldn't eat anything, you know?" Daniel was fiddling with the zipper pull on his jacket, not looking at Crane.

"Stomach doing somersaults?"

Daniel smiled a small, tight, smile. His brother always had an uncanny knack for knowing what he was thinking. "Yeah."

Crane slung an arm around Daniel's shoulders. "You'll be awfully hungry by lunch time. Sure you can't eat anything?" Daniel's only reply was a shake of his head.

"Wanna talk about it?" Another shake. "Okay, then, how 'bout I just sit here with you till the bus comes?" This time his head bobbed up and down. Crane's company was a welcome distraction.

After a bit Crane leaned back on his elbows, propped up behind him on the porch floor. He hummed a little tune, mind drifting. "You know what happened the other day?" He started to say. Daniel shook his head. "No? Well, Evan and Ford were up in the hayloft, pushing the hay down to the floor of the barn. Guthrie came in and they didn't see him and he didn't see them and before he knew it, they both threw their forkfuls of hay over the side and sure enough, it all landed right on Guthrie! I heard the screaming and laughing and when I came in, there he stood, spitting hay out of his mouth, hay stuck all through his hair and up to his knees on the floor. It was so funny! You should have seen him, Daniel. He was so mad and Evan and Ford were laughing so hard I thought they were going to fall out of the loft. I couldn't help but laugh either. Then he climbed up the ladder to get them back and the next thing you see is hay flying everywhere. It was a massive hay battle." Daniel and Crane both chuckled at the image. Crane's tactic worked. Daniel could feel the tension loosening slightly in his belly. It felt good to laugh and think about something other than the day ahead of him.

All too soon, it was time to head for the bus. Evan, Ford and Guthrie came bouncing out of the house and down the steps. Daniel and Crane rose to follow.

"Want me to walk with you?"

"Nah. I gotta go."

Crane put a hand on his shoulder, "Hang in there, kid. It'll be okay. Call if you need to, huh?" He was conscious of the rest of the older family members standing on the porch. He released Daniel with a squeeze and watched as he dragged himself out to the bus stop with the rest. The other brothers had headed on, but Evan suddenly stopped and turned to Daniel. He waited for him to catch up and they walked the rest of the way side by side.

Back by the porch, Crane had to swallow hard to get past the lump in his throat. It touched his heart to see Evan watching over Daniel. He reassured himself that Evan and Ford would be there to check on Daniel throughout the day. But he still wished he could make everything alright for Daniel.

Brian came up behind Crane. "Hey, is he okay?" He jerked his thumb towards Daniel.

Crane shrugged, sparing Brian only a quick glance, then turning back to watch Daniel. "As well as he can be." He heard Adam and Hannah join them. "He's scared and I don't blame him at all. It's not going to be easy for him." He followed his brothers with his eyes, as they made their way down the drive to the bus stop. He dreaded what was coming today for Daniel and wished with all his might he could be there with him to help him deal with lay ahead.

7b47b

Daniel sat in his third period class pretending not to hear the whispers behind him. It had been going on all morning; the only exception had been when Evan was with him between classes. Daniel shrunk down in his seat, trying to tune them out and concentrate on his teacher. She'd been droning on and on though about nothing important for awhile now and he found it impossible to concentrate on her voice. Whispers from his classmates filtered through to his brain against his desire to block them out…_did you hear…Ellie….drag racing…_Daniel squirmed in his seat. It was getting harder and harder to concentrate. There was more rustling and whispering behind him and then he felt the soft smack as a wad of paper hit the back of his head. The whispers turned to outright laughter, albeit muffled under their hands. Daniel's throat was tightening and his heart pounded in his chest. He felt sick to his stomach and was glad he hasn't eaten.

The voices continued. _Ellie…Daniel…he was driving…shhh…killed her._ That was it. Daniel leapt to his feet, legs tangling in the desk/ chair combo in his hurry to escape, causing it to bang into the desk in front of him. The racket of metal on metal was deafening. His books flew everywhere and he left them, running for the door. He ignored the whispers and gasps from his classmates.

"Daniel!" The teacher called after him. He ignored her, not even sparing a glance her way. He ran, out of the room and down the hall, with his teacher leaning out the doorway, calling after him.

_Have to get away, get out of here._ Despite not having eaten breakfast, his stomach was threatening to let loose and so he ran faster. There was no way he was going to throw up in the hallway and give everyone else yet another thing to talk about. He ran until he spied a pair of gray metal doors, with the sunlight shining through the windows. Almost there, freedom! He ran into the crash bar and stumbled out into the sunshine. _Get away...Run!_ He resumed his race to escape, running until he was off school property. Then he was forced to stop the next street over as he vomited in a neighbors' bush.

When he could, he straightened up and glanced around. No one seemed to have noticed him. Jogging now, he hurried away from the spot and down the street. He ran and ran until he was out of town, Murphys falling behind him. Not knowing or caring where he was going, he kept running.

7b47b

Evan sat in the crowded, noisy cafeteria, scanning anxiously around him. _Where was he?_ Even if he'd been held after class he should be here by now. Evan's forgotten lunch cooled in front of him, untouched. He watched as other members of Daniel's last class filed into the room. When the last one came in, and Daniel was still nowhere to be seen, Evan jumped up, leaving his tray on the table, and exited the room. He glanced up and down the hallway. _Where could he be?_

Just then the doors opened behind him and Evan turned to see Marc, Daniel's friend, hobbling out on crutches. "Evan, you looking for Daniel?"

"Yeah. You seen him?" Evan was getting worried.

"Man, he freaked out last period. Just bolted in the middle of class and took off. Left his books and everything." Marc adjusted his backpack. "I don't know what happened, but he looked real spooked, sick even. He never even looked back, just ran off down the hall."

Evan ran a hand through his hair. What could have gone wrong? He thought of too many answers to that question to bother analyzing them. So many things could have gone wrong. "Any idea where he went?"

"No. Sorry. Want me to help you look for him?" Marc was sincere in his gesture, but Evan knew he'd make better time searching without waiting for a kid on crutches.

"Nah, it's okay. I got this. It probably got to be too much, first day back and all. He probably called Adam to come get him. I'll call home and check after I look around." He tried to calm his own fears while assuring Marc that he'd be able to handle this.

Marc looked concerned and added, "Okay man, if you need any help, call me." Evan nodded and took off at a jog down the hallway.

A half hour later, Evan found himself in front of the office, having done a cursory search of all the areas of the school where Daniel might be. He didn't tell anyone what he was doing, not wanting all that attention on Daniel when he so clearly didn't want it. But now he was worried. If he wasn't here at school, then he hoped he'd called Adam or someone to come get him. There was no way he could concentrate in class unless he knew for sure. He just hoped the secretary would let him use the phone without making a big fuss about Daniel being gone, especially if the school didn't know.

He pushed open the door and moved into the office. Mrs. Mc Coy, the secretary, was there, busily filing paperwork. She glanced up and noticing him, smiled kindly. "Can I help you, young man?"

"Yeah, I was wondering if I could use the phone. I need to call home. It's kinda important."

"Is something wrong?"

Evan tried to be nonchalant. "Oh no, just need to tell my brother something."

"Sure then. Here you go." She pushed the phone across the desk, and gathering her papers, headed for the door. "I'll be back in a bit."

Evan reluctantly dialed the ranch. He mentally crossed his fingers, hoping Daniel was there already.

"Hello?"

"Hannah? It's Evan."

"What's wrong? Is it Daniel?"

A tight smile slipped out of Evan's mouth at Hannah's presage. "You been hanging out with Crane too much, Hannah. You're starting to read minds."

"Oh Evan. He's been on my mind all day. What's wrong?"

"Well, hopefully nothing. He's not there at the house I'm guessing."

Surprise registered in Hannah's voice. "No. Isn't he at school with you?"

Evan sighed. He really didn't want to worry her, but there was no getting around it. Daniel was missing. "He took off, Hannah. Marc said he ran out of class right before lunch. I've looked everywhere here, and I can't find him. I thought maybe he'd called you and went home."

"Oh no."

"Look don't panic. He's probably just blowing off some steam. From what I heard I think some kids were pretty hard on him. He probably just decided to walk home."

Hannah was quiet for a moment. "Maybe. But I don't like it. I'll go get Adam and the guys and have one of them at least start driving towards town. If he's walking home, they'll spot him."

"Okay. Thanks Hannah. I'll try to get out of class later and call again, see if there's news."

"Alright, Evan. You did the right thing to call. I'm sure he'll be fine."

Evan hung up. He was glad he'd called; now he wasn't alone in this. He just hooped he hadn't freaked Hannah out too much. He'd tried to be calm, but deep down inside, he had to admit he was worried.

7b47b

Adam drove the jeep over the bridge towards town. He kept his eyes peeled for the dark brown mop of hair and red jacket that signaled his brother. Trying to keep calm, he'd insisted that Crane, Brian and Hannah stay behind at the ranch. They'd all wanted to come along. Adam was worried, but not scared, not yet. He hoped the kids hadn't been cruel, but he remembered what everyone had been saying at the funeral. And he knew what he thought about the whole thing, too. He had managed not to say anything to anyone else about the shame he was feeling towards Daniel and to not show Daniel how he felt. Crane hadn't brought it up either. When he looked at his hurting brother, it was easy to forget, and just concentrate on helping him. But when he went into town, it was a different story. It seemed as if everyone was staring at him, watching him, and he wondered what they were thinking. He'd taken to not going to town very much lately.

Once over the bridge, Adam headed for Murphys. He slowed down, watching the passing landscape for his brother. His thoughts drifted again, thinking about all that had happened. He so was lost in his thoughts, in fact, that he almost missed the hunched over figure in the red coat, hands jammed in his pockets, walking down the road.

He slammed on the brakes, pulling up even to Daniel. He rolled down the window and called out. "Daniel!"

Daniel's head whipped around. Taking in the scene at a glance, he walked over and jumped into the truck.

"Hey kiddo. You okay?" Adam's voice was soft, concerned. Daniel nodded without really looking up. "Where you been? Evan's been looking all over school for you. We were getting a little worried."

"Didn't mean to worry anyone." Daniel mumbled. "I just needed to get away, ya know? Couldn't stand all the whispering anymore."

"Ahh Daniel…I'm sorry that happened."

Daniel just shrugged.

"Listen, it's the first day. Things will settle down eventually, they'll stop talking about it after awhile. You just have to ride it out, okay? Just do me a favor, will you? Call me next time it gets too much. I'll come right out and get you. Deal?"

Daniel nodded, "Yeah. Sorry to worry you." He tried to project calm on the outside, but inside his thoughts swirled around in turmoil. _Just have to ride it out, huh? Till everyone forgets her? Forgets what I did? I'll never forget, even if they do. How could I ever do that? I am going to have to live with this every day of my life. Oh Adam, I wish you __**could **__make us all forget this ever happened. Life will never go back to the way it was. _He turned his face towards the window, hiding his pain from Adam.

Adam turned the truck toward home, oblivious to the depth of Daniel's anguish.


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for all the kind words about this story so far. I love reviews! They are the best motivation.

**In My Time of Dying **

**Chapter 7**

Daniel stayed true to his word. During the next few weeks, whenever it got to be too much, he called home to get a ride or told someone where he was going. He didn't want to scare his family by disappearing again. The calls home weren't very frequent, as he was trying to stick it out whenever he could.

He had some amends to make to his family, and making them worry over him was counterproductive to getting back in their good graces. Daniel knew Adam, and probably the others as well, were let down by him. No one said anything to Daniel indicating that, but Daniel just knew that's how they all felt. That morning he'd woken up in the hospital was etched in his mind. He had heard Adam tell Crane he was ashamed and disappointed in Daniel. It had felt as if a knife were stabbing him when he heard Adam say that. Ever since then it kept replaying in his head. It hurt almost as much as losing Ellie, to think that his family was dishonored because of him. He had to try and fix that. It was the only thing he could fix. If he did everything right, was the perfect brother to them, maybe they would forgive him someday for the scandal he'd wrought on their family. He would try as hard as he could to make his brothers be, well, not proud of him - that was impossible now, but at least maybe someday they wouldn't hate him. Surely they did now, after he had dragged their reputation through the mud with his. Adam may have been the one to voice it aloud, but he was sure the others all felt the same thing.

They were all disappointed and ashamed of him.

Evan and Ford had taken to walking with him between each class and before and after school. They didn't say why they were doing it, but Daniel knew they didn't trust him to stay out of trouble on his own. He thought Adam had probably told them to keep an eye on him while he was away from home. He knew his family didn't trust him anymore, so he didn't say a word about his little brothers following him everywhere. Not wanting any trouble, Daniel just tried to stay away from everyone else; even to the point of ignoring the shoves and jabs he got from angry classmates or friends of Ellie's. He was afraid if he lashed out at them, he'd lose his temper and fight with them. And he couldn't let that happen. He had to be perfect now. He could make no mistakes.

He missed Ellie terribly, so bad that is was all he could think about. She haunted his every waking moment and even his sleep. Sometimes he found himself picking up the phone to call her, only to realize at the last second. Once he even dialed her number and didn't come to his senses until her mother picked up. He had dropped the phone as if it was on fire and ran off to his room to hide until his heart stopped thudding in his chest. He would have loved to be able to talk with Adam or Crane or even Brian about her, but he couldn't. They didn't need to be burdened with this, too. No, it was best to keep it to himself and dealt with it on his own. Someday the pain would lessen enough for him to breathe again.

To deal with it, he kept busy. At home he worked in the barn tirelessly, doing his chores and more. Anything that needed done was already done by Daniel before the others could even make a plan to get around to it. The barn had never looked cleaner, the yard better groomed or his room neater. He'd even taken to doing laundry and dishes when it wasn't his turn. After all the chores, the rest of the night was spent studying. His grades had to be perfect.

_He_ had to be perfect.

7b47b

"Hey Brian," Evan greeted him, coming into the barn after school. It was his job to muck out the stalls today, and then he wanted to take Diablo out for a run.

"Hey yourself." Brian acknowledged him with a bob of the chin.

Evan grabbed a pitchfork and headed for Diablo's stall. "Hi there, buddy." He gave the horse's nose an affectionate rub. Looking past the horse, he exclaimed, "What the-" The stall was spotless.

"What?" Brian came over to Evan.

"Look, someone cleaned Diablo's stall for me."

"Daniel."

"When? We just got home."

"This morning, before his shower. He was out here for awhile; I guess that's what he was doing."

Evan sighed, exasperated, sagging down on a nearby hay bale. "Brian, what are we going to do about Daniel? He's going to drive himself to exhaustion, doing his chores and everyone else's. That's all he does anymore, ya know? Work, work, work. Either here at the ranch or schoolwork. When's the last time you heard him play his guitar? Or join us in a game of football or checkers?"

Brian leaned on the support post, next to Evan. "Well, I'm guessing Daniel doesn't much feel like playing music or games right now. He'll come around. I think it helps him to throw himself into his work, so he doesn't have to think about things as much. He did the same thing after Tally, you know?"

"Yeah, but Tally didn't die, Brian."

"I know." He nodded. "It's harder then when Tally left. But that's how he dealt with her leaving and he's doing the same thing now."

"It's just hard. You know at school yesterday, Ford saw him get slugged by Tim Mullins, and he never even defended himself. Ford almost killed Tim and you know how hard it is to get Ford swinging. Me and Ford have been walking him to all his classes, just to keep the other kids from picking on him." Evan shook his head. "I don't know, Brian. I've never seen him like this. When have you known Daniel to let someone push him around?"

Brian had to agree. That was defiantly out of character for their scrappy younger brother. "We just have to give him time, Evan, just be patient with him. " He gave Evan's neck an affectionate squeeze and went back to work.

7b47b

That night the family gathered for dinner like always. On this night they were all there. No one had practice for anything or a date for once, so it was the usual McFadden chaos. Rolls were being thrown, insults hurled, stories told. It was loud, rowdy and full of love at their table. Daniel was glad for the noise and distractions. It was easier to hide the fact that he wasn't interested in eating tonight. Actually he was hardly ever hungry anymore, but he would force himself to eat for his family's benefit.

Daniel had become an expert at hiding how little he ate. He would push food around on his plate, take a bite now and then when someone was looking, deflect them with conversation or insults, and get up first to clean up the dishes, scraping his leftovers in the trash before anyone else was up to see. He just had no appetite and could only force down so much dinner, but if Adam or Hannah noticed, they'd be troubled. He couldn't cause anyone more bother. So he got good at hiding it.

He'd gotten good at hiding a lot of things lately.

Yesterday, on the way to History, Tim Mullins, who had been hurling verbal insults at him for the last week, had actually taken a swing at him.

As Daniel had headed down the hallway, his eyes had been on his shoes, like always. He found if he kept his eyes downcast, it discouraged people from asking him questions-like how are you doing? Or, are you okay? So his eyes where down that day, and he was looking at his shoes.

He'd noticed lately that he needed a new pair of sneakers. There was a hole working its way into the toe of the right one. Not that he was going to tell anyone. They didn't need to spend any money on him. They could save the shoe money for Guthrie's next pair. The kid was growing like a weed.

Tim Mullins had been coming down the hall from the other way, not that Daniel had noticed him with his head down. He did, however, hear the insults Tim and his buddies were mumbling to each other about Daniel, just loud enough for him to hear. Then, as they passed each other, Tim struck out and landed a punch solidly in Daniel's gut. Daniel's breathe had shot out of him in an _oomph_ and he doubled over. His books scattered across the floor.

"Daniel! You okay?" Ford's voice was suddenly there and his arms were around Daniel, pulling him back upright.

"Yeah, Ford." He managed to get out.

Ford had looked up then and spying Tim, had made a beeline for him. Ford grabbed Tim and started swinging. No one was going to take a cheap shot on his brother. Evan had come around the corner just then and seeing Ford in the middle of a fight, he had immediately jumped in, pulling Tim's buddies away and then breaking apart the fighters. Daniel had joined him by then, too, pulling people away from Ford. With everyone jumping in to break up the fighters, it was under control pretty quickly. Ford yelled out one last threat to Tim as Tim's buddies led him away.

"Get him out of here." Evan commanded over his shoulder, as he led Ford to the side of the hallway. Daniel leaned back against the lockers, bent over slightly, holding his belly. Ford was rubbing his cheek where Tim had gotten in a good shot.

"Are you okay?" Evan asked Ford first, pulling Ford's hand away and gently touching his face.

"Yeah." Ford shrugged Evan off.

Evan nodded in agreement. Ford would have one heck of a bruise, but he'd be okay. He turned then to Daniel, noticing for the first time that he was kind of slumped over.

"What about you? You okay?"

Daniel made himself straighten up, "Yeah. I'm okay. It was a cheap shot." He absently rubbed his belly.

Evan looked doubtful about Daniel being okay, but he knew better than to push it. Daniel was resistant to coddling. Instead, spying the books on the floor, he bent to gather them up. Then, herding his brothers in front of him, Evan led them down the hall.

Daniel had said nothing more about the incident, shaking his head when Evan tired to bring it up on the bus on the way home. "I'm fine, Ev. Just drop it." And then he'd buried his nose in a book. Evan noticed though, that the whole thirty minute ride home, Daniel only turned the page twice. Obviously his mind was elsewhere. Evan just wished he knew where.

Evan hadn't asked him about the fight again and Daniel hadn't volunteered any more information on what started it. Ford and Evan had talked about it though, and Ford had told Evan what he'd seen. The two of them decided to redouble their efforts to glue themselves to Daniel's side between classes. They'd enlist Marc's help, now that he was off his crutches, for the times when they couldn't be with Daniel.

7b47b

That night, after dinner, Daniel buried himself in his books. He hoped to the others it would appear he was just diligent and working hard on good grades. That way they wouldn't worry about his grades dropping. In reality, it was another way to hide things from them. With his nose in a book, they didn't notice his mind wandering, thinking about Ellie. He was always thinking about her. It was as if he was incapable of shutting off his thoughts. The flashing images were always present in his mind. Sometimes he could shut them out, but more often he couldn't. If they got too bad, he'd just joke about the noise and how he needed to study in quiet. Then he'd go upstairs. That way, when the images got to the bad part, the last image of her in the car, he'd be alone.

Tonight, he'd been on the couch in the living room, reading – well pretending to read- his science book. It was almost impossible to concentrate, with the ruckus going on in the living room and the disturbances in his own head.

_Ellie. Long hair flowing all around._

Guthrie was studying spelling with Crane and having a hard time of it. Hannah was in the middle of an argument with Adam over which of them left the milk out that morning and made it go sour. They were getting pretty heated. Ford made no effort to hide the fact that he was watching the Adam and Hannah show. Brian was changing a string on one of their guitars and Evan was on the chair next to Daniel, working his way through a school project on their family ancestors.

"Hey, Crane, what was dad's dad's name again? I forget."

"Josiah." He yelled back, not looking up from Guthrie's list. "Spell discourteous."

"What the heck does that mean? This list is stupid."

_Ellie. Riding horses on her grandparents' ranch._

Twang! Went Brian's guitar string.

"Ha! Discourteous is what you are being right now."

"Hey, who knows mom's grandma's name?"

_Ellie. In his arms._

"I'm not being discourty-whatever! What's it mean anyhow?"

"Georgia! Now Hannah, I know I told you the milk was still out. I had to hurry out to check on that new calf. Are you telling me you didn't see it sitting there all day?!"

_Oh Ellie! Getting in Marc's mustang._

"No Adam, I didn't because I was too busy doing laundry, hanging it out to dry, folding it, putting it away, chopping wood, getting groceries and everything else I had to do today!"

"Discourteous means rude. Now spell it."

Twang! "Ouch, damn string!"

_Ellie, oh Ellie girl. The car flipping over on its roof. No, not this part, not now!_

Daniel jumped up, "Gotta use the john." He mumbled to Evan or whoever happened to hear as he hurried, as nonchalantly as possible, for the stairs. No one would follow him, he knew. Dimly in the background he heard them continue the various conversations.

_Ellie, blood everywhere, a blank look on her face, screaming, screaming echoing in his ears, his screams, other screams outside the car, the feeling of horror engulfing him all over again…_

Daniel looked around frantically. He needed a place to hide. Somewhere they wouldn't find him. They couldn't see him like this. He shoved his body into the narrow space between his nightstand and bed, sinking to the floor. He grabbed his head in his hands and rocked back and forth, tears streaming down his cheeks. There he sat, hiding in the dark, hiding from his family.

He couldn't worry them. They couldn't see him like this.

7b47b

That night, like most, he couldn't sleep. He had come up to bed before Crane and lay awake, feigning some shut eye. He'd gotten really good at that lately. Once Crane had fallen asleep, Daniel crawled out of bed, and on silent stocking feet, crept downstairs. Now that he was past his most vigilant brothers-Crane and Adam- he knew he could get past Brain and Guthrie. Those two slept so deeply, they'd probably doze through a tornado.

He slipped out the front door, onto the porch. Sitting on the top step, he wrapped his arms around his torso, trying to block out the chill. Daniel gazed into the sky, happy to see the view was full of stars. On nights like this he could sit out here for hours, watching the stars. And he often did.

It was easy tonight. No nightmares. Insomnia, while frustrating and irritating, was easier to hide then the nightmares. When he had those, he had to be careful around Crane. Crane'd worry himself silly if he knew. Luckily, Daniel wasn't a screamer. He usually woke up, drenched in sweat, heart pounding, and terror coursing through him, but not screaming. Crane did wake a few times, but Daniel was able to convince him he was fine and Crane usually fell back to sleep. On the rare occasion that he came fully awake, Daniel just told him he was on the way to the bathroom.

He had to hide everything; the not sleeping, his missing appetite, the way the other kids were picking on him, and especially his visions of Ellie. He just couldn't tell his family all he was going through, he couldn't burden them with that, he couldn't worry them. He had to be perfect; he had to erase all the wrongs he'd done.

He leaned his head against the porch post. He was tired, so tired, tired of all the hiding, all the deceptions, all the agony. He wondered if things would ever feel right again. A tear trickled down his cheek.

7b47b

Adam had succeeded in burying his feelings of anger and disappointment toward Daniel deep inside. He hadn't spoken of them since that day at the hospital. His concern over Daniel overrode everything else. If he didn't acknowledge them, he thought maybe the feelings would just fade away, remaining hidden and unspoken for all time. He couldn't bear to talk to Daniel about it. It would rip his brother to shreds. He was ashamed, too, of his own feelings. How could a brother feel this way towards his sibling? What was wrong with him? After all Daniel had been through, how could Adam feel like this? It was all just so confusing.

Adam pushed the troubling thoughts away and went back to his breakfast.

He watched Daniel from across the table. He looked tired, but was eating his eggs, and talking with Evan about the school project. Adam had noticed Daniel throwing himself into his books lately. He was relieved to see that he was keeping himself busy with something constructive. He'd been worried that Daniel would have trouble dealing with his grief over Ellie, but he seemed to have avoided any real problems so far. He was doing fine, better than Adam had expected, actually. Maybe after he'd run off the night of the funeral, and had broken down out there in the woods, he'd gotten the worst of it out of his system. Adam hoped so.

Daniel looked healthier, too. The bruises and cuts were nearly gone, just a few that had faded to yellow still remained. He no longer wore the sling, but his arm would hurt when he banged it into something, so he had to be careful for awhile yet. Adam thought Daniel looked a little thinner, but since he seemed to be eating and wasn't sick, Adam didn't think much about that. Crane hadn't mentioned any issues with Daniel having sleep problems either, so Adam figured he had those things under control.

He had been working on the ranch or his schoolwork in every spare moment that he had. While Adam knew it was a distraction from Ellie that had him working so hard, he thought it might be good for him. It would keep him occupied and out of trouble until this all settled down. It also kept him close to home, where they could all keep an eye on him. Besides, Daniel knew he could come to them if he needed to. Any of them would be there to talk to him.

But despite all that, Adam still sensed something not quite right; he just couldn't put his finger on what it was. Daniel hadn't touched his guitar since the day of the crash, but Adam imagined he just didn't feel like playing right now. He could understand that. It had been a long time after his parents died until he felt like playing anything other than a dirge. Daniel would come around in time. And in the meanwhile, the others had all agreed to lay off the rowdy songs they usually played. It just didn't seem quite appropriate now. Soon, Adam hoped, they could be back to their nightly square dance or jam sessions. It would be good for Daniel to get back into enjoying his music. But of course, Adam would let that come whenever Daniel was ready.

He put a lid on his wandering mind and shoveled in the remainder of his breakfast. Daniel was coming along fine, so there was no need for Adam to stir things up. He'd let well enough alone.

He had things to get done today and it was best he get started.

**Things really get hopping in the next chapter. I hope you are all sticking with it and still enjoying it. Please review! I really appreciate it.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note:** In this chapter it is revealed where the title of the story comes from. When I was thinking of a title, this phrase jumped into my head from out of nowhere. I googled it and was surprised when it came up as lyrics to a song. It was recorded originally by Blind Willie Johnson (originally titled "Jesus Make Up My Dying Bed", 1928). It was also recorded by Josh White in the 30s, and by Bob Dylan on his first album in 1962. Led Zeppelin recorded it in the 70's.

I could not believe how fitting the lyrics were to the story and I knew I'd found my title. The weird part is, I never heard the song before that moment, so I have no idea where the idea came from. May pointed out it was the title of an episode of Supernatural, which is one of my favorite shows, so maybe somewhere in the recess of my brain, it got stuck there. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

Disclaimer – I do not own any rights to the song or show. Pity.

A heartfelt thank you is extended to all who reviewed. The kind words are priceless. Thank you **May**for beta reading this chapter for me!

**In My Time of Dying**

**Chapter 8**

Daniel stumbled as he hurried out to the barn. He quickly regained his balance as he glanced around, hoping no one was watching. He had to hurry. _Run! _ Seeing no one, he broke into a sprint, the need to hide overpowering reason. His heart pounded in his chest, his mind swimming around in circles. It was happening again.

Once he reached the barn, he ducked into the empty stall at the end, _Diablo's stall;_ the random thought came to him. _Evan must have him out for a run_. Daniel threw himself into the dirt in the far corner. His breath came in shallow gasps and pain exploded in his chest, radiating outward. The panic overwhelmed him. _Breathe, just breathe,_ he told himself. The images came again, unbidden as always_. Ellie! No!_ But the picture of her was there, pulling him right back into the terror, engulfing him completely. As he descended into his private hell, he knew there was no way out. The horror filled him. He saw it, felt it, relived it again.

_In Marc's car. Before the race. Ellie, looking worried. "Ellie, you sure about this?" I asked. She nods, smiles, complete trust in her eyes_. _"I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I told her that! That look in her eyes. She trusted me! And I killed her!_

Daniel wrapped his arms around his knees, rocking and hugging himself. He shook all over; his body freezing cold. He felt nauseous and closed his eyes in an effort to block the painful images.

"_I'm scared, Daniel, but as long as I'm with you, I'll be safe."_

"_I'll always take care of you, Ellie."_

"_Ellie! I love you, Ellie! Do you hear me?"_

Daniel twisted to the side as his stomach heaved and rebelled, expelling its contents onto the floor of Diablo's stall. When he finally finished, he fell back against the wall. He grabbed his chest, twisting his shirt in his hands, trying to make the pain go away. His heart pounded fiercely. _I'm dying, I'm dying! What do I do? Get Crane! NO! No, can't tell him, can't tell any of them. Can't worry them. Can't let them see me like this. Hide, gotta hide. Please, God, take this pain away. Heart attack. Can I be having a heart attack? God, please…_

_**Oh, Lord, deliver me  
All the wrong I've done  
You can deliver me, Lord  
I only wanted to have some fun.**___

Daniel huddled, hurting and miserable, shaking and nauseous, heart pounding and pain radiating through his body, lyrics and pictures all swirling through his mind, all alone, in the cold, dirty stall in the back of the barn.

Eventually his heartbeat slowed and the panic subsided a bit. The tears continued to flow, as relief flooded him. The attack was ending.

7b47b

"Where's Evan and Daniel? Dinner's ready."

"Don't ask me," Guthrie shrugged as he plopped down in his seat. Adam carried a plate of sliced beef to the table, whipping to the side to avoid Crane who just came around the corner from the living room. Ford followed Adam with a bowl of green beans, swinging them to the side to miss Crane, barely managing to avoid spilling them.

"Hey, watch it!" Ford hollered.

Crane shrugged and reached in the bowl, stealing a green bean and popping it in his mouth. He came around to Hannah who was stirring gravy at the stove. When she turned her head to yell to Brian, who was mixing the mashed potatoes, Crane snuck a finger in the gravy for a taste. Hannah turned back just in time to see the finger going in his mouth, and she smacked him with her dishtowel. Crane, laughing, jumped away and bumped into Brian.

"Watch out, Crane!" He chided. "Here take this to the table." He thrust the bowl of mashed potatoes into his hands. Amidst much chatter and chaos, they settled down for dinner.

"Where are Evan and Daniel?" Hannah asked again.

"Evan went for a ride, I think. Maybe Daniel went with him." Ford offered as he shoved in a mouthful of beef. He tossed Guthrie a biscuit and went on eating.

"Then I'm sure they'll be back soon. Their stomachs will tell them it's time to eat." Hannah decided. She skillfully caught a biscuit Brian sent her way and they all continued their typical rowdy McFadden dinner.

7b47b

Evan pulled Diablo to a halt at the door of the barn. "Good run! Bet your tired, now, aren't you?" He said to him, affectionately rubbing his neck. He swung himself off the side of the horse and led him into the barn.

Instantly he froze. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Someone was in there. Diablo whinnied; he could sense it, too. Evan strained to see, to hear, all senses on alert as he peered into the gloom. "Who's there?" Evan called, looping Diablo's reins over a post and moving further into the barn.

At Evan's shout, there came a flurry of activity from the farthest stall, Diablo's. Then suddenly a dark head appeared above the half wall of the stall. _Daniel._ The tension leached from Evan and he gave a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, it's you. You scared the shit outta me, man. Geez." He turned his attention back to taking care of Diablo, busying himself for several minutes, not really paying attention to Daniel who was still at the back of the barn. "What are you doing out here anyhow?"

Daniel did not answer. That alone concerned Evan enough to look up at his brother. Daniel was still standing in the stall, wiping his hands over his face. Evan sighed, this time with exasperation and pity. Was he out here, crying? Evan had hoped he was over that stage by now, but he realized, of course, that sometimes those feelings cropped up for a very long time after losing someone.

He made his way over to Daniel. He was shuffling around, trying not to look Evan in the eye. _Trying to compose himself, _Evan realized. He slowed down to give his brother some more time. He knew that Daniel was out here because he'd been crying again and didn't want anyone to see. He was close enough to touch him now and could see Daniel's hand shaking where he held it over his face. Daniel was trying hard to bring his sobs under control and Evan didn't want to do anything to push him back into that abyss of grief. _But how do I pull him out?_ Evan shifted from foot to foot, not sure what to do.

"Hey, man. Hey," he put a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "You okay? Wanna talk?"

Daniel shook his head vehemently, his hand still covering his face.

"Well," He was thinking fast, trying to come up with something, "why don't you come over here with me and hang out while I finish taking care of Diablo? When you feel better, we'll go in to dinner, together." Daniel finally dropped his hand and nodded, still not trusting his voice. Evan noticed that he looked like hell; his eyes were swollen and red, his face drawn and gaunt. _Was he getting thinner? _Evan wondered.

Daniel needed time to calm down and Evan seemed to know that. Evan resumed his work, drying off his horse and stowing his tack. Daniel took up residence on an obliging hay bale. Evan chattered about school while he worked; keeping an eye on Daniel, while trying not to let him know he was watching. He went slower than usual, giving Daniel the time he needed to compose himself before he had to face the family. Eventually Daniel joined into Evan's one sided conversation and then Evan knew he was okay again.

Evan finished up the work with his tack, having dawdled as long as he could. "You ready to go in? I'm starving and if we wait too much longer, the hogs in there will have eaten it all."

Daniel, now calm and looking better, nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we can. Although you better not call Hannah a hog. She'll kill you." His voice was still a bit hoarse from the crying bout, but he gave Evan a small, tense grin and hopped off the hay bale.

He and Evan walked in, side by side. Evan stole a sideways glance at Daniel. Any one of the family would still be able to tell he'd been crying, but since he was with Evan, they would assume he'd already taken care of it. He knew they wouldn't want to embarrass Daniel by saying anything. Evan just hoped they wouldn't act all weird around Daniel.

He needn't have worried. When they got there, a heated debate over how long it would take to repair a fence in the south pasture was going on, Guthrie and Hannah were throwing biscuits around and Crane spilled his beer. Amidst the shouting and chaos, the wayward brothers slipped into their seats mostly unnoticed and Evan joined the fray instantly, hoping to pull the focus off Daniel, who sat silent in his chair. It seemed to work, and no one really looked at or said anything to Daniel. Adam's gaze lingered a bit overlong at his middle brother, scrutinizing him, but he didn't say anything.

After dinner, Daniel wandered around the living room, looking a bit lost, maybe bored. Most of the family was still in the kitchen, cleaning up, and starting homework. The loud chatter of their mixed voices drifted into the living room. Crane was reclining on the couch, supposedly reading, but watching Daniel over the top of the magazine instead. He remained silent as Daniel stopped in front of the piano. One of the family guitars sat, forlorn, on the piano bench. Daniel ran his fingers over the body of the instrument, longing plain on his face. Crane tensed as he watched. Daniel, unaware of Crane watching, picked up the instrument, and brought his foot up on the bench. He rested his arm on his knee, settling the guitar into place. Crane chewed on his lip, _would he play it? Finally?_

Crane watched as Daniel tuned it, taking his time. He ran his fingers over the strings, hearing the twang. Daniel, almost out of habit, it seemed to Crane, began strumming a tune. It was not one Crane was familiar with, but it brought tears to his eyes anyway, just because Daniel was finally using the guitar. It was more of a rock song than he or Daniel usually played and he wondered what it was. He listened though, keeping silent as the song went on for some time. Finally, though, it reached the end and he could not resist any longer.

"Daniel, that was great! What was that?" He tried not to sound too excited. He didn't want to spook him.

"Ah, just this Led Zeppelin song. One of the kids at school loaned me his album."

Crane was intrigued. Led Zeppelin? Not their usual fare. "Can I listen to it sometime?"

"Sure." Daniel shrugged indifferently. Without further ado, he put down the guitar and went upstairs, disappearing into their bedroom.

"Led Zeppelin?" Crane's head snapped around at the sound of Adam's voice. He poked his head around the wall, looking into the living room; Hannah, Brian, Evan, Ford and Guthrie soon joined him. Crane chuckled at the sight of nothing but heads sticking out of the kitchen.

"He played." Crane's grin was huge, his arms spread out. "Who am I to criticize _what_he plays?"

7b47b

Once the ice was broken, so to speak, Daniel was never far from the guitar. He played the new Zeppelin song over and over, although he played it quite differently at times. Later he told Crane that Bob Dylan had recorded it earlier and that was why there were such different versions. Crane preferred the Dylan rendition; Daniel did too and eventually stuck with that one. He never sang the lyrics to go with it though. Crane wondered about that, but it was Brian who finally asked. He got some generic answer from Daniel about not knowing the words well enough. As many times as he must have listened to it to learn it, he'd have to have memorized the words by now. This was Daniel; after all, he was excellent at quickly learning songs for his shows. He played it again and again, but never sang it. In fact, that was all he played, as if he were obsessed with it. Over and over he strummed the same tune until Crane found himself humming along. He was still curious as to what the lyrics were.

7b47b

Daniel was scared, terrified really. What was wrong with him? The feeling of panic and the images of Ellie, hit him so often now. Even when he was able to push the panic away, it was always there, in the back of his mind, waiting for him to let his guard down so it could strike. When he wasn't having one, he worried about when the next attack would be. Was he losing his mind?

_The song, play the song again_, he told himself. The song seemed to ground him; it was so amazing that someone captured his thoughts so clearly. He put on the record again, flopped back on his bed, and lost himself in the music.

The sounds, images and feelings all swirled around him in a mish mash of colors and waves.

_**In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn  
All I want for you to do is take my body home**_

Well, well, well, so I can die easy  


_I'm so tired. _His body felt like it was weighted with lead.

_**Jesus, gonna make up my dyin' bed.  
Meet me, Jesus, meet me. Meet me in the middle of the air  
If my wings should fail me, Lord. Please meet me with another pair **_

_Ellie, in the green sweater_

_Ellie, riding horses_

_Ellie, sitting on the porch. _The images came again and again_._

_**Oh, did somebody some good. I must have did somebody some good...  
Oh, I believe I did**_

_I did, I know I did! _Guthrie's face would come to mind every time that part played. He knew taking care of Guthrie was the one good thing he'd done. _Guthrie!_ As the baby of the family he'd always been carefully looked after and protected, until now. There was no way to guard Guthrie from this. Now he'd tarnished even his littlest brother. He'd have to grow up with this horrible thing Daniel had done hanging over his head. People would always know him as the brother of Daniel, the one who had killed Ellie McCormick.

Images and words spun inside his head. He clutched his head in his hands, squeezing. _Please stop!_ He begged, _go away!_

_Ellie, holding his hand_

_Ellie, her hair flowing _

_Ellie, hurt, trapped, in pain_

_**You can deliver me, Lord  
I only wanted to have some fun. **_

Daniel sat up on his bed, rocking and holding his head_. _

_**I only wanted to have some fun.**_

Tears streamed down his face. What was he going to do? He couldn't hide forever. Someone was going to find him like this. Falling apart like this. He couldn't do that to them; they would be so scared, so worried about him. And Adam, he was so ashamed of Daniel that he didn't even go into town anymore. He remembered what Adam had said, back there in the hospital, when he thought Daniel couldn't hear. "Daniel _did _kill Ellie," Adam had said, "He was the driver. He was responsible. I'm disappointed in Daniel." The shame in his voice had been evident to Daniel as he had lain in that hospital bed. He remembered every word.

_He is so disappointed in me. And he should be._ _I should leave them_, he thought, _that would be the best thing for them. Leave and never come back. They don't deserve this; they don't deserve to have to deal with what I did. But they'll find me. They won't stop until they do._ Daniel got up and paced the room. If he didn't figure something out soon, he was going to completely lose his mind_. _

_I have to go, go in a way that they will never come looking for me. That way I can't hurt them anymore, they don't deserve this agony… Yes, this way will be the best for them._ Daniel sucked in a breath, quit crying, and sat down at his desk, feeling calmer, more focused now. He had some plans to make.

7b47b

Crane heaved the heavy laundry basket on his hip as he ascended the stairs. They sure went through their share of clothes each week. Now that Hannah was here, she often did the wash, but Crane and his brothers still thought it was only right that they haul the heavy baskets up and down for her. So here he was, doing just that. He entered the room he and Daniel shared and glancing around, was pleasantly surprised to see the room was actually pretty neat for once. Well Daniel's side, anyway, Crane' stuff was still strewn around. _He_ _must have been up here cleaning since this morning_, he thought, _hmm… he did a good job_. Crane set down the basket and began the arduous task of sorting and putting away the clothes.

Opening the closet they shared, he began hanging up their shirts. Sometimes they just piled them on the chair, but seeing all the work Daniel had done inspired Crane to hang them up properly. He was wrestling a shirt on a hanger when it bumped into the belts hanging on the door, knocking them to the floor.

_Darn it!_ He thought _more things to put away._ He bent and retrieved Daniel's belt and moved to hang it on its nail when he noticed something different about it. He fingered the leather, studying it carefully. His brow furrowed in concern, he hung it back up, and abandoning the rest of the laundry, which he really hadn't wanted to deal with anyhow, he headed downstairs.

An envelope, bearing his name, lay unnoticed on the desk.

Crane jogged down the stairs, but his plan to find Adam was stalled, at the sight of Guthrie, picking away at notes on Daniel's guitar.

"Hey, you better get one of the others. You know how protective Daniel is with his guitar."

"Oh, it's okay, Crane. Daniel said I could have it." He continued to play, without looking up, oblivious to the look of terror that came across Crane's face.

"Don't you mean-," His voice failed him and he had to swallow hard and try again. "Do you mean he let you borrow it?"

"No," came Guthrie's confident answer. "He said he always knew I loved this one and he wants me to have it. He said he knew I'd always take good care of it." Guthrie's head whipped around to look at Crane. "I will, you know. I promise. I'll take the best care of it."

Crane found his voice had left him. A cold chill of dread crept over him. _Why would Daniel give away his most prized possession? _ Crane had to find Adam and Brian, _right now_.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Guthrie asked, finally noticing the look on Crane's face.

"Um, nothing." Crane tried to cover, "Where's Adam?"

Guthrie shrugged indifferently, "I don't know. Wasn't my turn to watch him."

Crane didn't respond to Guthrie's joke, instead, urgency filled him; he turned and went out the front door. Once out of Guthrie's sight, he ran to the barn, praying he'd find his older brothers there.

They were there, but so were Ford and Evan. Not wanting to alarm the younger ones unnecessarily, he motioned Adam out the door as soon as he caught his eye, signaling for him to bring Brian along. Then he slipped out the door. His brothers were quick to join him.

"What's up?" Brian asked, wiping his hands on a rag.

"Shh, I don't want the guys to hear about this yet."

"'Bout what?" Adam wondered aloud.

"It's Daniel." Both brothers came to alert instantly.

"What is it?" Adam asked. Crane noted his heightened concern.

"Did you know that Guthrie is inside playing his prize guitar?"

"He better knock it off before Daniel catches him." Brian chuckled.

"No, you don't get it. He says Daniel gave it to him."

"What? Why would he do that?" Adam wondered aloud.

"No way, Guthrie took it." Brian suggested at the same time.

Crane tried again, aware that he was potentially grasping at straws, but unable to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. "No guys. Listen. He _gave_ it to Guthrie.Gave away the thing he prizes most. He would never do that. And his part of the room is as neat as a pin. Every single thing in order. When have you known Daniel to clean up his things like that?" Crane seethed in exasperation, they just weren't getting it. "Guys, even his appearance has changed. He's lost a lot of weight. I picked up his belt and he has three new holes in it."

"Three? He's lost that much weight?" Brian wondered, "I thought he was thinner, but that much?"

Though Adam was concerned about the weight loss, too, he got to the crux of the conversation "What do you mean about his guitar and his room, Crane? What do you think is going on here?"

Crane explained carefully, "Sometimes people give away the things they cherish most when they are…well, when they decide to…to… do something to themselves." He was hardly able to finish the thought.

Adam got what he was saying instantly, though. _Suicide!_ "Crane, that's ridiculous! How could you even suggest something like that? This is your brother you're talking about." Adam looked like he was livid with Crane. "Just because he cleaned his room? Lost some weight?"

"Adam, it's not just that. He gave away his guitar!"

"Maybe he was just being nice to Guthrie."

"Oh, come on! Open your eyes! All the signs are there." Crane argued.

Things were heating up between the brothers quickly. Brian stepped in between them, hands up on their chests. "Look, now's not the time. Let's just find Daniel and then we'll get this whole thing cleared up." He turned to Crane, "Is that all you found? Is there anything else he may have given away? It could just be he meant to loan the guitar to Guth." Then, turning to Adam, "Did he say where he was going this afternoon? When did you see him last?"

"Lunch, I guess. He disappeared sometime after that. I don't know where he went." Adam clarified. After a short discussion, Crane elected to return to the house, to make sure Daniel wasn't there. Adam would scout around the back of the property and Brian the front yard and the road.

Crane sprinted into the house. Guthrie was still there, but no one else. Crane did a quick run through the downstairs rooms and finding them empty, he headed upstairs.

"What are you looking for?" Guthrie's voice followed him up the stairs. Crane didn't bother to answer. He did a check through each of the bedrooms, pausing in his own room.

He did a quick scan of the room and stopped at the neatly cleaned off desk. With a letter, addressed to him, on the top. Crossing the room in two giant strides, he snatched up the missive and with trembling hands, ripped it open.

Shaking, he read it.

_Dear Crane,_

_Please share this with Adam and everybody._

_I know I put you all through a lot recently and none of you deserve this. Adam should be able to go to town without being ashamed cause of me. Evan and Ford should be able to hang out with their friends at school and not have to guard their useless brother. The rest of you should be able to go about your day and not worry if you're going to find me bawling like some baby around the next corner. Crane – you shouldn't have to worry so much. It's time for you all to let me go. _

Crane sucked in his breath, heart pounding. _Oh no! No! _He forced himself to continue, looking for some clue that this wasn't what he thought it was.

_This will be the best thing for all of us. You guys can move on with your lives without me messing things up all the time._

_I want to say how sorry I am. Really truly sorry. If I could change things, I would, but I can't. Can't do a damn thing to make this better. I'm stuck here with what I did and I can't take it anymore._

_Crane, you been wanting to know the lyrics of that song - here they are. I can't get them out of my head._

Crane's mind could barely comprehend what he had just read. The terror and panic spread through his body, sending his heart rate skyrocketing. Tears sprung to his eyes and spilled down his cheeks. _No Daniel, no!_ He screamed silently in his head. He crumpled the letter in his fist, unable to finish. Then, in a flash, he sprang into action, bolting through the doorway and down the hall.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note: There is some reference here to the setting in my other story, The Rescue, although this should make sense even if you haven't read that one.

Thank you for all the kind reviews! And thanks again to May for beta reading this, although all mistakes are my own.

**In My Time of Dying**

**Chapter 9**

Crane's shout brought Adam running from the back yard, where he'd been looking for Daniel. Just from the sound of Crane's voice, Adam knew it was something was seriously wrong. He'd become accustomed to the difference between his brothers' cries and shouts; distinguishing those that indicated real trouble from the ones that didn't. He supposed every father did.

The entire family met him in front of the house.

Adam knew at one glance that whatever his brother was about to say was bad. Crane had gone white and was shaking like a leaf, clenching a piece of paper in his fist.

"What is it?" Adam asked, dead serious, and with a voice full of dread. He grabbed Crane's shoulder to steady him. "Crane?"

Crane held out the paper to him. "I...I found this…on Daniel's desk. We gotta find him!" His voice was frantic and tinged with hysteria.

Releasing his brother, Adam took the paper, Brian and Hannah crowding close to read along.

"What is it?" Guthrie begged to know.

"Crane? What's wrong?" Evan asked at the same time. Ford hovered close by.

Adam and Hannah met each other's gaze as they finished reading. Adam's own horror was mirrored in Hannah's face.

Brian turned away, one hand covering his mouth. "Oh my God." He muttered, pacing back and forth. He yanked his cowboy hat off his head, ran his fingers through his hair and pushed the hat back on, not even realizing what he was doing.

Adam stood in shock, staring at the note, willing the words to change.

Hannah started crying.

"We've got to do something! Now!" Crane grabbed Adam's jacket in his clenched fist and shook him. Adam just stood there and let it happen, making no move to stop him.

"What is it?!" Evan demanded to know. He grabbed the paper out of Adam's hand. Adam did not put up any resistance. He was too shocked. He'd known Daniel was upset, but to consider this? To even think about hurting himself? _Suicide?_ Adam could barely bring himself to think of the word, so terrifying was it to him. Ford read the note along with Evan, while Guthrie tried to stand on tiptoe to see. Brian pulled him away and held him pinned to his chest.

"Not for you to see, buddy."

Evan crumbled the note in his fist. "What does this mean?" His voice rose, "What does this mean?!" Evan demanded, his face burning with fear and a tinge of anger, redness rising on his cheeks as he shoved the letter in Adam's face.

Gently Adam pried it out of Evan's grip and squeezed his hand. Evan's head dropped and a sob escaped as the reality of the situation hit him. Adam gripped the back of his neck with his free hand, steadying him.

"We have to find him. Any ideas where he might have gone?" Brian asked.

"Marc's house?" Guthrie suggested.

"No, he'd want to be alone." Crane was sure.

"Maybe the mine?"

"No way, not after what happened there."

"Up in the mountains somewhere. Somewhere secluded. Gotta think of all his favorite spots." Adam's thoughts were scattered. _Think! Where would he go?_ Up in the hill country, that's where Adam would go, it felt like the right answer to him.

"What's going on?" Guthrie interrupted.

No one answered him. No one knew what to say.

"I can't believe this!" Crane ran a hand down his cheeks, surprised to find they were wet with tears.

"So should we split up?" Evan suggested.

Adam was thoughtful, "I guess so, that way we can cover more ground. Or maybe not…" Adam was in shock, feeling shaky and unsteady, unsure what to do. Only one thing was he sure of. He pulled Hannah to the side and whispered to her, "I don't want Guthrie along. I don't want him to see Daniel…hurt… or…" he trailed off, not able to give voice to his darkest fears, "I just don't want him along. Can you keep him here? Maybe Ford, too."

Hannah swallowed, and nodded her head. Her voice shook. "I can do that. I'll … I'll tell them we need to stay here in case…or when, he comes back." He took a second to rub his thumb over her cheek, wiping away a stray tear. "We'll find him."

"I know, Adam. You will."

"Will someone tell me what's going on?" Guthrie interrupted.

"Hannah?" Adam asked jerking his head toward the boy, implying that he needed her to deal with Guthrie. He didn't wait for an answer as he joined the rest of his brothers sprinting to the barn to ready their horses.

Hannah seemed to read his mind as she steered Guthrie and Ford away. "Come with me, you two. I need you guys." Adam heard her say as he ran. He looked back to see her leading them into the house, neither one protesting.

As Adam ran for the barn to saddle his horse, a prayer passed through his head. _Please, God, please… not my brother, too. Please God help me find him…_

**7b47b**

Daniel stood, rooted to the spot. He was at the cliff's edge, but was staring at a grassy patch nearby. It bore no sign of the scene that took place there last winter, but Daniel remembered every detail. It was as if his brain had taken a snapshot of that moment.

He remembered when they were all here, all his brothers and Hannah, around the fire in the snowstorm, rejoicing in being together again. He stared at the spot where they had built a lean to, sheltering Adam and Brian and treating their injuries.

_That was a good moment_, he remembered_, being together like that, happy that we had gotten Brian and Adam off that ledge. I want to be back there again. Not with them hurt, but all of us together, happy at what we had accomplished._ _But I know_ _I can't. This is better. They shouldn't suffer because of me._ _They will be better off when I'm gone. Crane will be free, not worrying about me anymore. And Adam and Hannah, there will be one less brother to take care of, one less mouth to feed. And Evan and Ford can just have fun. And Guthrie, he'll be free from my stain, my mistake. It's better this way._

Daniel turned his face to the sun, letting its rays surround him and warm him_. Rain's finally gone. It's good to see the sun one last time._ He felt free and light, the decision having been made. It was a relief, really. There would be no more turmoil, no more fear, no more panic.

No more hiding it all from his family.

_Ellie. _Her face came to him, unbidden, and he let it this time. No need to fight against it anymore. It was good to see her, to remember her and not worry about that feeling of panic that had been overwhelming him lately.

_Soon I'll be with you. We'll be together again. And this sorrow will be gone._

He sighed with relief and took a step closer to the edge. And paused.

Seeing the emptiness in front of him took his breath away. Suddenly his heart skipped a beat. Could he really do this_? Ellie, Ellie_, he begged, _help me do this. Take me away with you._

He took another step closer.

But then he stopped. Something froze him in place. New thoughts came to him, new images.

_Crane. In his beat up trucker cap. His easy smile and the love in his eyes. My best friend, my closest brother, my songwriting partner. Does Crane know what I am planning yet? What will this do to him? It will destroy him. No! This is better for Crane! It is! _Tears formed in his eyes and streamed down his cheeks_. _His thoughts were conflicted, wrestling with each other.

_Who will watch out for Evan and Ford? Take care of Guthrie?_ His younger brothers' faces swam before him. _Evan, with his hearty laugh that's so contagious. Ford, singing beside me on stage, his voice like an angel's. Guthrie, snuggled up against me in the backseat of the jeep, trying to stay warm._

_What about Brian and Hannah? They love me so much._ _Hannah acts like a mother to me, or maybe a big sister. She makes me my favorite foods, encourages me to sing and play, and patches me up. _

_Brian, he stayed at the ranch, he didn't leave when Shep did. He wanted to be with me, with the others. He was there for me at the mine shaft, believing in me. He's always there for me. How can I do this to him? To them?_

_And Adam, how would this affect Adam?_ _He gave up everything for me, for all of us._ _Oh, Adam! I wanted you to be proud of me. I didn't want this for you. I didn't want to hurt you. I can't stand that you are ashamed of me. Adam…_he pictured the disappointment in Adam's eyes. _I can't live with Adam looking at me that way._

_Grief. They will feel such sadness and grief. How can I do that to them?_

_No! This is what I have to do. It's decided. They'll survive this, just like they did mom and dad. They're stronger then I am. _ Daniel told himself._ It's best this way_.

As he argued with himself, he unconsciously took a step backwards, away from the cliff edge.

**7b47b **

Adam led his horse onward. His eyes scanned all around him, looking for any hint of a sign left behind by Daniel. His mind was racing as he thought over the last few days and weeks. Playing and replaying moments from the recent past, he wondered how he had missed the desperation setting in. Had he been eating, sleeping? He didn't know. How many times a day had someone found him crying? He had no idea. _How could I have been so blind? How did none of us see this coming?_

With difficulty he pulled his thoughts back to the task at hand. His brothers were all walking their horses, like him, as they carefully scouted for tracks of any kind that would tell them which way Daniel had gone. The rain from that morning had left the ground wet and soggy. Adam prayed they would get lucky.

"Here!" Brian suddenly shouted. "There's a boot print in the mud here." He looked up, from where he was walking just behind the barn. "He must have gone this way."

The brothers rushed over, and seeing the mark in the dirt, quickly climbed onto their mounts and headed off in that direction. They followed the trail, going agonizingly slow to catch the telltale signs. No one wanted to veer off in the wrong direction and waste time by losing the route.

They had been moving upwards through the woods that surrounded the base of Table Mountain for some time, when Crane suddenly called out, "Wait a minute. I think I know where he's going!" He lifted his head up and peered ahead of them. "The cliffs, Adam, where you and Brian fell last winter!"

"Why would he go there?" Evan wondered aloud.

Adam remembered the scene of the terrible accident and the dread that spot always had for him. It sounded as though Evan felt the same way. It was here that Brian and Adam had gotten hurt last winter. It was also where they had spent a freezing night together, as a family, huddled around a campfire in the middle of a snowstorm under a shelter made of tarps. As scary as it had been to be there that night, the spot did hold a fond memory of them being together and looking out for each other. It made a certain amount of sense that this area held appeal for Daniel.

"I don't know, but that's where this path leads. Let's go!" Crane shouted to them. They took off at a sprint, finally able to gain some time. The slow going of hunting the way had been frustrating. Now the adrenaline pumped through Adam's veins as he spurred his horse onward.

The brothers followed the track up through the mountains, going much quicker than was really safe. Every once in a while, they would slow down to check for signs that they were still on the right trail. Fortunately, the ground was soft from the recent rain and so they were lucky enough to find many boot prints along the way.

Adam hung onto his horse with a death grip as they headed up through the trees. He was scared. Scared to his very core. What if they didn't get there in time? He pushed that suggestion away and concentrated on another thought. Why was Daniel so careless as to leave these signs for them? Could it mean that he wanted to be found? And stopped? Adam prayed it was so. His heart thudded in his chest with dread. They had to hurry.

**7b47b**

Crane was the first to break through the tree line at the cliff where his brothers had had their accident. His eyes fell immediately on the figure standing by the edge. Thank God! There he was! They had made it in time. His relief was short lived, though, as he saw what Daniel intended to do.

"Daniel!" Adam shouted.

"Shh, don't scare him." Crane admonished. "Go slow, guys." He thrust out an arm in front of Brian as his brother moved to jump out of the saddle. Brian slowed his movements to a crawl as he dismounted.

"But, God, look at him." Adam choked back a sob, fist to his mouth.

Daniel stood, poised at the edge of the cliff, turning around when he heard them approach. Upon seeing them, his barely maintained façade crumbled and an array of emotions played across his face; anguish and surprise being chief among them. Crane was sure, though, that there may have been some relief at being discovered. Or maybe that was just what he wanted to believe.

Crane and Adam climbed down from their horses. They went slowly, so they did not spook him into going over.

"Daniel, what are you doing up here, bud?" Crane began as he slowly walked towards his brother, hands outstretched in what he hoped was a peaceful manner. He tried to make his voice sound calmer than he felt, as his heart was tap dancing in his chest. He'd never been this scared before.

Daniel's hands fluttered up to his head, running through his hair, distractedly. Tear stains were visible down his cheeks and his eyes were pools of misery. He met Crane's eyes briefly and then dropped his gaze to the ground, shutting his eyes, as if shutting out the world and his brothers. He shifted from one foot to the other as if unable to keep himself still.

"Cra…Crane. Why… why did...did you come?" His fingers raked over his face and the tears fell more heavily.

"I had to come. We had to come to get you. To stop you." Crane took a cautious step forward. He was still not within reach of Daniel. He had to get close enough to grab him. From the corner of his eye, he saw Adam and Brian spread out alongside, flanking Crane on each side. He knew they were thinking the same thing. They had to get closer. Evan, he could sense, was somewhere behind Brian. He hoped Evan could hold his tongue and not let his impatience get the best of him.

Daniel dropped his hands from his face, and turned them outward in a helpless gesture. "Why? Why can't you just… let me go? Ellie's here. She's waiting for me."

Ellie? The mention of Ellie rattled Crane. Daniel was seeing Ellie? Or could he somehow sense her spirit? He wasn't sure how to address that, so he moved on to what he did know. "Let you go? We could never let you go. Daniel, you are our brother. We love you. I love you. None of us would survive it if we lost you this way. Please, come away from there. We need you. We're all here to help you." Crane pleaded, his throat constricting and thick; his eyes filled with tears. He took another step closer, stretching his hand out to Daniel. Daniel seemed oblivious to it.

Brian spoke up then and Crane was thankful for his support, "Dan'l. Don't do this. I couldn't take it, brother. Not after all we've lost. I wouldn't survive another death in the family. I just… couldn't." Brian choked on his words. "Please come away from there."

Daniel sobbed even harder, his hands fluttering near his face as if he had no control over them. "But…but I did something…something so horrible…how can I-" his words broke off, unable to finish the thought. "I see her… see her everywhere. I'm…so scared."

"We know you are, Dan'l, but you don't have to be. We're right here with you. We'll help you not to be scared."

"It was an accident, Daniel." Evan pushed his way in to the front row of brothers. Crane was glad he'd spoken up. Daniel needed to hear from all of his brothers just how much he meant to them. Crane's thoughts briefly flickered to wondering why Adam hadn't said anything yet. And back to what Daniel meant about Ellie and seeing her everywhere.

Evan continued, "What would I ever do without you, Daniel? You look out for me, and for Ford and Guthrie. I like knowing that you always have my back. And I like having yours. We're brothers, man, we help each other. Let us help you now." He begged his brother.

Daniel's gaze fell on Adam then. Crane wondered what was going on in Daniel's head now. Had they gotten through to him at all?

"Adam…how can you… you… stand ta…ta look… at me?" The tears fell so hard that Daniel had trouble getting the words out. "You're…a…asham'd…a me, disa…disa…pont…ed. I didn't listen…and look…what happened." He choked on the words. Crane's heart felt as if it were breaking right along with Daniel's. Was this what had caused Daniel's heartache? His opinion of what Adam thought of him?

"I'm not ashamed of you, Daniel."

"Yes you are!" His words came out with force. "You…you said so…in the hos…hospital." He met Adam's tear filled eyes and what came next was crystal clear. "I heard you."

Crane knew instantly just what Daniel meant. His little brother had heard what Adam had said, he had heard it all and it had eaten at his core, twisted up in grief and agony until he had reached this point. Crane's hand went to his mouth, covering his gasp. Just as he was ready to rebut that remark, Adam spoke up.

"Oh God, Daniel." Adam moaned; his face contorted in remorse, "You heard me." He took a step towards Daniel. He was almost in range to grab him now. Daniel stepped back reflexively, his foot teetering dangerously close to the edge.

"No!"

"Daniel, no!" They all screamed in unison. Daniel froze, seemingly unaware that he had even moved.

"God, Daniel, please! Step away before you fall!" Crane sobbed and begged, fear engulfing him.

Adam held up his hands in surrender and shuffled back, "Look, I'm moving away. Please come back from the edge, Daniel."

Daniel looked scared as he glanced back and saw how close he really was. He didn't hesitate as he took a few footsteps towards his brothers. Crane breathed a sigh of relief, realizing he'd been holding his breath. Then it hit him- Daniel had stepped away, willingly! Maybe, subconsciously, he didn't really want to die after all. But did Daniel even realize what he had done?

7b47b

"Daniel," Adam said, his voice shaking, and the words coming out in a rush, "I am so sorry about what I said. I don't … I don't feel that way now. Oh Daniel you don't know how sorry I am! You should have never heard me say that. I would have never said that to you."

It came to him clearly then. Daniel was right, he had been ashamed and as much as he thought he was hiding it, Daniel had seen right through him. Regret poured over him. "I've been so stupid, Daniel. I should never have treated you like that."

Tears poured down Adam's face. The guilt ate at him. Had he caused this? Had he driven his brother to this point? "Please, Daniel. I can't stand the thought of losing you. Please don't do this. Please. We need you. Let me make it up to you. I love you, Daniel and I am not ashamed of anyone except myself."

He gulped back a sob. "After losing mom and dad, how could I possibly survive losing you, too? Don't do this, Daniel. I can't take losing you…all we have…all we have is each other. I am so sorry, Daniel. Please, brother. Please." His arms were outstretched, tears coursing down his cheeks, and his whole body visibly tense.

7b47b

Crane held his breathe, afraid to move.

Daniel looked at Adam, then down at the ground, crying and sobbing.

It's happening, Crane thought; we _are_ getting through to him. We can stop this! He held his breath again as Daniel took one step towards Adam and then another.

Then he crumbled to his knees, his body clearly giving out on him. His hands covered his face and he sobbed harder then Crane had ever heard him. Adam rushed in and wrapped his arms around his little brother as if determined never to let go.

"I was so…scared…didn't know what else…to do. I…sorry…so sorry!" Daniel choked out, gasping for breath between sobs as he wrapped his arms around Adam in return.

"Shh, shh. It's all over now. We're going to fix this. We're all in this together, brother. We're all here." Adam cooed soothingly.

Crane, Brian and Evan, tears flowing with relief, joined their brothers in the hug. They stayed that way until Daniel's sobs susided, just holding Daniel and assuring him of their love.

Author's note: Thanks for reading and please drop me a review, let me know if you liked it. Thanks!


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note - This chapter took a life of its own and has ended up longer than I expected. I hope it keeps your interest till the end. **

**I want to thank all those who read my story and especially those who left reviews. I know this was a sensitive subject to write about and I hope I did not offend or upset anybody. Many thanks to May for beta reading these last few chapters and for her insightful input. All mistakes are my own, however. Enjoy!**

**In My Time of Dying **

**Epilogue **

Adam walked through the north pasture behind the barn, along the tree line. He wanted to be alone for awhile to process his thoughts.

The nightmares had resumed, but his time they weren't of Daniel in the catatonic state; they were of him plunging over the side of Table Mountain. Adam had had one every night since the incident. Maybe he deserved it, though, for all the guilt he'd unknowingly heaped on his brother. Maybe this was his penance. He wondered how long the nightmares would last. Not that he really cared about that right now, he would take a nightmare every night over the horror of what almost happened. He still trembled when he thought of Daniel up there on that ledge.

His thoughts took him back to that night. Once he and his brothers had talked Daniel into moving away from the edge, and the crisis was over, they had all just collasped in a huddle and held Daniel while he sobbed. Adam had thought Daniel's breakdown would never end. But when he finally did calm down, the stress had taken its toll. Daniel was so weak, he could hardly walk and had to be helped over to the horses. Adam couldn't bear to let go of him, so Daniel rode double on Adam's horse, leaning back against his big brother's chest.

During the ride home, Daniel's body had finally given up and he'd passed out . Adam's arms stayed around him, holding him up and protecting him.

When they had arrived home, they couldn't wake him, so they had rushed him to the hospital. It was exhaustion, the doctor had said. He hadn't been eating or sleeping properly and then with all the emotional stress on top of it, Daniel had just shut down. Not in a catatonic state, though, for which Adam was eternally grateful. They next few days had been all about getting him stabilized, both physically and emotionally. Counseling was started and Daniel opened up to his therapist in ways he hadn't to his family. Adam had been glad he had talked to someone, but wished it could have been him. They had given him some medication, too, to help him cope with the overwhelming grief.

After a few days recovering in the hospital, his doctors determined that he was stable enough to go home again. Though his counseling sessions would continue, the psychiatrist felt confident that the threat of him harming himself had passed. The entire family finally had breathed a sigh of relief at that news.

Adam was so glad to have him back, although it scared him a little. At least in the hospital, there were trained professionals watching over Daniel. Here it was just him and the family and they hadn't done such a bang up job the first time around, had they?

Adam reminded himself that the counselors had taught them ways to help Daniel and how to spot the signs that he was slipping back into depression and panic attacks again. That was what they had finally diagnosed him with. That and some condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They had named it a few years back after the vets had come home from Vietnam. The doctors had told Adam that anyone that experiences a traumatic event can have it afterwards. There was some evidence that it was even more likely to happen if the person had sustained something catastrophic in their childhood, too. Well, that was certainly Daniel. It didn't get a whole lot more tragic than losing both your parents at age eight. It all made sense why he was so susceptible to the Traumatic Stress thing. It was good to know what was going on with Daniel, but it made Adam worried at the same time.

Adam sat down on the top of the rail fence, feeling tired right down to his bones. It was the lack of sleep, he knew, but also the deep, dark guilty feeling of knowing his part in the whole thing. He knew he'd made the situation worse with what Daniel had overheard him say back in the hospital. He'd apologized several times, and each time Daniel had been gracious enough to deny that it was Adam's fault. Adam knew better. He knew where the blame lay.

But what he didn't know, was how to deal with it. And how to go on from here.

**7b47b**

Daniel stepped out of the counselor's office and squinted in the bright sun. Where were Crane and the truck? His older brothers had been taking turns driving him to his sessions. At first, he'd been too wrung out to drive, and no one, even Daniel, had trusted him behind the wheel. Now, he was capable of driving himself to the appointments, but nobody had proposed a change to the arrangements. Daniel didn't mind. It felt good to have one of his brothers with him afterwards.

He raised a hand to shade his eyes. There! The beat up old, white pickup careened around a corner as Crane sped into the parking lot and up to Daniel.

"Man, Crane. Trying out for the Indy 500 or something?" Daniel smirked through the open window. "You know I'll be fine by myself if you're late. I'm not five."

"Just get in, smarty." Crane threw him a half grin.

Daniel wrenched the door open, hearing a loud squeak. "Needs some oil." He commented, as he climbed in.

"Add it to the 'to-do' list."

"I'll get it done." Daniel offered. Crane smiled at him.

"I'll bet you will."

Daniel knew he had been putting in long hours around the ranch, but his counselor said that was good. The exercise was great for releasing stress, as long as he ate and slept, too. Hannah and his brothers had all been watching to make sure that was happening. After work, he'd been playing the guitar with a vengeance, finding it was the best way to wind down and relax. Just the thought of sitting down and strumming a tune brought him peace, and he looked forward to it all day. He'd been playing all kinds of music; rock and country, even classical…all except one particular song. That one he wasn't ready to play again and maybe never would be. He'd even started writing music again and couldn't wait to work on his newest song. He had the lyrics floating around in his head, just waiting to be written down.

Crane yanked him back to the present. "How did it go today?" He asked, as he pulled the truck out onto the road.

Daniel could tell he was trying to sound nonchalant, but Daniel knew better. Crane was worried; he always was. Sometimes he told Crane what went on in his sessions, knowing it eased his mind somewhat. Today had been a tough session, but a good one, one he wanted to share with Crane.

"He showed me pictures of Ellie today."

"What!" The shock was evident in Crane's voice and he nearly drove off the road.

Daniel hastened to explain, placing a restraining hand on his brother's arm. "No, no it was good, Crane. It really was." He added seeing the doubt on Crane face. "He called it exposure therapy. It's meant to help me face what gets to me, in a safe way." He paused, dropping his hand back into his lap. It was still hard to talk about her and the session had been grueling. But now that it was done, he felt a release, a calm feeling encompassing him. Maybe after these next few rounds of meetings, he'd be able to think about her without the anxiety. He looked forward to that. The panic attacks had largely stopped, thanks to the meds they had him on, but he hadn't wanted to press his luck by trying to look at pictures or anything. When David, his counselor, pulled out the school photo of Ellie, Daniel's heart had begun racing, and he'd looked away, but through David's coaxing and soft words, he was able to look at her briefly. It was a relief to be able to control the feeling so that they did not escalate into a feeling-like-you-are-dying sensation.

"Did it help?" Crane's words brought him back to the moment. Daniel glanced over at him and saw the anxiety on his face. He wanted to reassure him, but he also wanted to be honest. No more lying. That was his new motto. Daniel knew he needed his family's help to get through this. He'd promised them that he would tell them the truth about how he felt from now on.

"I think so. Or I think it will. I didn't have a full blown attack, so that's good."

Crane reached over and squeezed his brother's neck. "That's real good to hear, Daniel, real good." A relived smile spread over Crane's face. They talked some more about what went on in the session. Crane never pushed Daniel into sharing, but was always there for him when Daniel wanted to. _How could I have forgotten that? Back when I was so messed up and thinking of hurting myself- why didn't I remember that Crane would have been there for me if I'd just given him a chance?_ Daniel chalked it up to his messed up state of mind at the time. _All I would have needed to do was reach out to Crane, or any of them_, he thought. _They would have done anything for me._

That reminded him that he had some reconciling to do with certain other members of the family. Even though they had all talked about what happened, Daniel knew some of his brothers were still reeling from the incident on the cliff. He could tell from their behavior that some of them were having trouble dealing with it all. That was his job to fix. He needed to make some amends to his family… and someone else.

**7b47b **

Brian angrily tossed a hay bale into the loft with more force than required. It was a good way to work out his frustrations. He'd always gotten physical when he was mad, hence all the fights he'd been in. But he couldn't fight Daniel and that's who he was mad at now.

_What's wrong with me, anyhow?_ _How could I be mad at the kid after what he's been through?_ _We came so close to losing him._

He manhandled another bale onto the pile. This was the only way he could think of to get out these feelings. He sure as hell couldn't slug Daniel.

Daniel. He was doing better these days. He saw a counselor regularly now. Brian supposed whatever they talked about must be making his brother feel better, because he seemed more like himself. Heck, last night they'd even had a family jam session. Brian had played his harmonica and for awhile there it felt normal.

But this morning when he had gotten up, he'd been flooded with the memory of Daniel that day on the cliff. Brian had needed to sit back down on the bed, the memory making him unsteady. He had taken several deep breaths before he even tried to get up again. That had been when the anger resurfaced. It was wrong and irrational Brian knew, and Daniel didn't deserve it, but he couldn't help it.

So here he was, unleashing his feelings on the poor innocent hay bales.

"What did those bales ever do to you?" A voice broke through Brian's thoughts. He turned to look. Daniel. The last person he wanted to see.

"Hey." He threw another one on the pile, barely acknowledging Daniel.

From the corner of his eye, Brian could see Daniel shifting uneasily from foot to foot. The kid looked uncomfortable, like something was on his mind. Brian waited. He kind of hoped Daniel would just go away. He wasn't sure he could disguise his feelings.

"You're angry with me." It was a statement, not a question.

Brian shook his head, denying it by pure reflex. "Nah, just working."

But the kid wouldn't let it go, "Yeah you are. C'mon, Bri, I can tell you are. Would you talk to me?"

Meeting Daniel's gaze, Brian threw down the bale he was holding to wipe his brow and pulled off his Stetson. He looked away, exasperated. There was no way he was getting out of this conversation. Might as well spill the beans. He slapped his hat back on.

Hands on his hips, he met Daniel's eyes again. "Okay Dan'l. Truth is, I am mad at you." He saw Daniel's shoulders sag a little, but now that he'd started, there was no going back.

"When I think of you, on that ledge, ready to …well, I get so furious with you, man. " Brian turned away, unable to bear the look in Daniel's eyes. "I mean, do you have any idea what losing you would have done to us? To me?" He turned back and crossed the distance between them in two quick strides. Grabbing Daniel by the upper arms, he gave him a shake. "How could you do that to me? How could you even think about doing that? I can't lose you, Dan'l. We can't! Don't you know that? We need you, brother." His eyes clouded over with tears, and he saw acceptance sink into Daniel as he understood.

"Brian, I do know that now." Tears fell down Daniel's cheeks, "I'm so sorry."

At the sight of Daniel's tears, something broke inside Brian, the anger dissipating instantly. He grabbed his brother in a bone crushing hug. Daniel's arms came up as well and wrapped around Brian. "Don't ever give up, Dan'l. Just don't. I'll help you through it, we all will. Just don't...give... up!" He choked out.

"I won't Brian. I promise you."

Brian squeezed harder. "I'll hold you to that, kid. I love you, you know that?"

"Yeah. I love you too, brother."

The hug ended and the brothers broke apart, but Brian was comforted by the connection that they had made.

**7b47b**

"Guthrie, why don't you go see if Daniel needs help with that engine?" Hannah suggested.

"Why would he need my help?" Guthrie eyed her suspiciously.

"Well, I just thought he might need an extra hand. Besides he can teach you about engines, then." _And he won't be alone either,_ she thought. Ever since Daniel's stay at the hospital, the family had tried to have someone with him or near him at all times. In the last few days his brothers had started easing off, but Hannah remained wary. She knew it would be a long time until she felt comfortable with the idea.

She pulled a blueberry pie from the oven. Daniel's favorite. He'd gotten so skinny that Hannah was determined to get him to eat regularly again. It was her mission and she was determined to succeed.

She placed the hot dish on a trivet on the counter.

"That blueberry?"

"Yup."

"Daniel's favorite." Guthrie observed with a smirk. Hannah eyed him critically. The kid was far more intuitive than the family gave him credit for. "He'll love it, Hannah. He's been eating everything you've been making for him. You're doing a good job." He nodded his approval.

Hannah smiled back. How she loved this kid. She ruffled his hair.

"Thanks, Guthrie. Now will you go see if Daniel needs help?"

"Sure." He flashed her one more knowing grin and left the room.

She was glad Guthrie didn't know the whole truth. The day it had happened, she and Ford had talked it over and decide to just tell Guthrie that Daniel had run off again. Afterwards they explained that Daniel had been feeling so sad that he hadn't been taking care of himself and had run himself down till he was exhausted. Guthrie had accepted it without question. Maybe someday he'd find out the whole story, but for now there seemed to be no reason to scare him. It had been hard enough on Ford. He'd been so terrified, while they waited for the brothers to come home with Daniel, that he'd paced the living room the entire time. Hannah hadn't known what to tell him, so she had just kept patting Ford's shoulder or squeezing his arm and trying to offer whatever comfort she could. They'd both uttered quite a few prayers that night.

The phone rang, breaking the quiet. Hannah hurried to answer it.

"Hi Hannah. It's Charlie."

"Oh, hello, Charlie," She warmly greeted Adam's old friend and the town's sheriff. "How are you?"

"Oh fine, fine. How is Daniel doing?"

"He's better each day, Charlie."

"That's wonderful to hear. The reason I called, Hannah, is that I have some more good news for you all."

"Oh, what's that?"

"There won't be any charges filed against Daniel. The DA agreed there was really nothing they could charge him with. It wasn't willful negligence; he was just trying to swerve to miss the girl that fell."

"Really, Charlie? That's more than good news, that's fantastic!"

"I knew you'd think so. Well, say hi to everyone for me, will you? And ask Adam if he wants to go fishing with me next Saturday, will you?"

Hannah smiled at the thoughtful suggestion. Charlie had always been a good friend to her husband. Adam had been so wrapped up in Daniel lately, that getting away, for a time, would be good for him. "I think that would be a great idea, Charlie. He could use a break. I'll be sure to ask him."

"Okay, thanks Hannah. See you soon."

"Bye Charlie." Hannah hung up, elated. She couldn't wait to tell the others.

**7b47b **

Ford was in his room again, nose buried in a textbook. He'd been hiding up here a lot lately avoiding well, everyone, he supposed, but especially Daniel. He never thought he'd be in this position, having these feelings of not wanting to be around his own brother. Truth was he didn't have any idea what to say to him or how to treat him. What if he said the wrong thing? What if he said something that upset Daniel again? He couldn't take that chance, and so he was hiding. How long this would work, he didn't know. Sooner or later someone would figure out what he was doing and he didn't know what he'd say when that happened. His bet was on Evan. Being his roomie, he could sense things about Ford before the rest of the family. Actually he was surprised Evan hadn't noticed yet, but everyone was so involved in Daniel. And that was fine by Ford.

He was so involved in his book that he didn't hear the footsteps coming up the stairs or down the hall until his door opened. Ford whipped his head around to see…Daniel.

"Oh, um, hi." Ford mumbled.

Daniel sat down on the edge of the desk, saying nothing, just watching and waiting for Ford to make the first move. Ford tried keeping his head down, pretending to focus on his homework.

"You can't ignore me forever, Ford." Daniel's voice sounded tired, but upbeat. Ford looked up at his brother and studied him for a minute before answering. Daniel was looking better these days. Thanks to Hannah's cooking, he was a healthier weight than before, still skinny, but not looking so gaunt anymore. His color was better too and Ford almost felt like he was looking at the old Daniel again. His brother's eyes were a giveaway, however, as the sadness still shone through.

"I'm not ignoring you." Ford managed.

Daniel sighed, "You are, Ford. And I really can't take it anymore. Now talk."

"Well…I …." Ford dropped his gaze. "I just don't –never mind." He got up and paced the room, not able to meet Daniel's look. Daniel jumped off the desk and blocked him.

"You're avoiding me."

"That's because I don't know what to say!" He whipped around to face Daniel, arms outstretched. "I don't want to say something that… will…well, make things worse again." Ford ran a hand distractedly through his hair. His insides twisted up in dread; there, he'd said it, revealing his deepest fear.

"Ford." Daniel said, but then fell silent. Ford's head came up and met Daniel's eyes. He could read the sympathy and guilt on his Daniel's face. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry that I ever…" his voice drifted off and he turned away from his brother. After a moment, he continued, "I…I can't explain why I did it, Ford, I was real messed up. All I can say is I am really sorry."

"I know, Daniel." Ford turned around to face him and saw the tears running down Daniel's face. He felt guilty for troubling his brother. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't there for you. You shouldn't have to come to me. I should be looking out for you. I want to be there for you, Daniel. I just don't always know how." His face pleaded with his brother to understand.

Daniel reached up and Ford found himself pulled into a crushing hug. "Ford! I will never do anything like that again. I promise you. Please, don't avoid me. I...I just want things to be like they used to be. I…I don't want you to look at me like you hate me or are hiding from me. Just…just please talk to me again, okay?"

"Daniel, I will, I will. I'll do anything to help you feel better."

"Just be my brother. Just be you, Ford. That's all I need."

Ford squeezed him harder and nodded against his shoulder. "No more hiding, Daniel. I promise." Tears rolled down both their faces. "I don't hate you, Daniel. I never could."

At that moment, Ford knew they would be alright, eventually, though it was a long, hard road ahead. But Ford was determined to be there for Daniel.

**7b47b**

Evan shifted the pile of schoolbooks from one arm to another. It was a heavy load since he was carrying both his and Daniel's books from the bus stop. He'd been taking Daniel's work home for him to do. Adam had thought it would be best for Daniel to study from home for awhile and once he explained the situation to the principal, he'd readily agreed.

So here he was, lugging this pile of stuff up the driveway. _The least Ford could have done was wait and help me carry some of this._ He shook his head and rolled his eyes as he watched Ford run off up the path to the house, oblivious to Evan's struggles. He knew the kid had been struggling with what had almost happened to Daniel. Evan knew he'd have to confront Ford about it soon.

He shifted the books again, trying to keep from dropping them. _I don't really mind dragging this stuff home_, he thought, _anything to help Daniel_. He was relieved, actually, that Daniel wouldn't have to face the kids at school anymore. It was easier on Evan and Ford not to have to watch over Daniel anymore. Not that he really cared; it had kind of felt like being a superhero or something. But it was easier this way.

Now that Daniel was out of sight and out of mind, the gossip at school had settled somewhat. None of the kids at school knew about the episode on the mountain, and the family wanted to keep it that way. Daniel needed their protection.

There was also a new rumor circulating that had taken the place of Daniel and Ellie's saga.

It was being said that Tim Mullins, who had punched Daniel at school and provoked Ford into the fight, had been shacking up with some unknown girl and gotten her pregnant. The scandal rocked the school. Tim was popular and handsome and the gossip circles were all atwitter at the story. Daniel had been largely forgotten. Thank God for the fickle tastes of the school rumormongers; the newest story was always the best one to know. It was all people were talking about. Evan smiled as he thought of his part in the circulation of the story. A few well placed comments to the right people had gotten the fake tale the momentum it needed.

Revenge was sweet indeed.

**7b47b**

Daniel stood in the driveway, frozen, staring at the house. It looked the same, but different somehow. More imposing. He hugged his arms around himself, as though chilled, but the chill wasn't from the air, but from within him. He didn't know if he could do this. Daniel wished Crane were here, he'd have come if Daniel had asked, but he hadn't thought about that before he left. He'd had a flash of bravery back at the ranch, and had seized the moment, driving over here without telling anyone, just leaving a note. Now he stood here, unsure if he could really go through with it.

Ellie's house.

Evelyn, Ellie's mom, was the one he'd come to see. He wanted to talk to her, but exactly what to say seemed to escape him just now. So here he stood, shivering and debating with himself. Should he just get back in the truck and head home? Or should he walk up to the door and knock, even if he didn't know what to say?

In the end the decision was taken away from him when Evelyn opened the door and stepped out on the threshold. The wild look of anger and shock that she'd had the last time he saw her, at the funeral, was gone. She looked calmer, more together, but still haunted. Daniel recognized the look of torment from the image he saw every time he looked into the mirror.

She stood there a moment, studying him as he studied her, hugging herself in an unconscious mirror image of Daniel's stance.

"Well, you might as well come in. Or do you plan to stare at my front door all day?" She called, not unkindly. She stepped back to allow him to enter.

Daniel hesitated, but eventually followed her in.

She led him to the living room and motioned for him to sit down on the couch. Daniel perched on the very edge, tense and uneasy.

His eyes fell on a picture hanging on the wall near the stairs. It was Ellie. Seeing her like that, happy, carefree, beautiful; it was almost more than he could handle and it caused his heart to pound. He tore his eyes away. Memories flooded over him of the two of them in this very room together.

"Why are you here, Daniel?" She sighed, rubbing her hand over her arm.

Daniel's mind was thrown back into the present and he squirmed in his seat. "I… just… I, um, came by to say, well," Daniel sputtered. He took a deep breath. He was here now and there was no going back. He just needed to speak what was on his mind. He tried again, "I just wanted to come over here and tell you…tell you I'm sorry." His voice fell on that last part until Evelyn could hardly hear him. "I never meant for this to happen. I never thought it would be anything but a race. It's become so much more…" His voice faltered as the tears threatened to fall; he blinked rapidly to keep them back. His face was a picture of misery as he dropped his head into his hands.

"Daniel." Evelyn's voice broke through to him. It was gentle, kind, like he remembered her being before the accident, not like it had been after. It broke through his grief and he lifted his head to look at her. Her face was lined from grief, and her eyes filled with a wetness that threatened to spill over. But she looked calmer, at peace somehow. "I know you are sorry. I'm sorry, too…for how I treated you after the crash." Daniel saw the tears begin to flow down Evelyn's face. "It was unfair of me to…to blame you. All I can say is that I was crazy with grief. I needed someone to blame and that was you." She stood and began pacing the room, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand. "I knew how stubborn and headstrong Ellie was. No one could have forced her to get in that car if she didn't want to."

"But what made you change your mind? You were so mad at me before, I never thought…" Daniel gulped down his own tears before he could continue," I never thought you would…"

"Forgive you?"

Daniel nodded meekly.

"Well, I didn't either, to be honest." She took a deep, steadying breath, the tears ceasing, but Daniel could see they were ready to start again at a moments' notice. "But time has a way of giving us perspective, Daniel. That and your friend Marc."

"Marc?"

"Yes." Evelyn sat down again, "He came over a week or so after the funeral and insisted on seeing me. He told me the whole story, Daniel. How he and Ellie convinced you to let her go along, how you tried to talk her out of it, how insistent they both were. He told me you swerved to avoid hitting that other girl, the one who fell." She paused for a moment as if to gather her thoughts before she went on. "I am sorry that it took me so long to get over blaming you. It took me some time, you see, to process the idea that it wasn't your fault after all. I…I needed someone to accuse in all this." Her breath shuddered, but what she said next was clear and steady. "Daniel, please hear me. It wasn't your fault. I see that now. It was a terrible, terrible accident."

Daniel, sat, unmoving, with tears streaming down his face. He wasn't sure he deserved Evelyn's compassion and understanding. He could hardly wrap his brain around the idea that she didn't hate or blame him anymore.

"Oh Daniel." Evelyn, her own tears creating tracks down her cheeks, came to sit beside him and without asking; she pulled him over to her and wrapped him in a hug. She held him like his mother used to, like Hannah did, making him feel like a little boy again. "Daniel you are going to be a fine man. It took a lot for you to come over here and talk to me, not knowing if I were still angry at you. I should not have blamed you."

With Evelyn's forgiveness, Daniel's uncertainty vanished. Their tears mingling, they held each other, united in the grief of losing someone they both loved.

**7b47b**

Guthrie waltzed into the living room, excited by what he was going to do. He had a surprise for Daniel.

Daniel had come home from a mysterious errand earlier today and had spent a long time talking to Crane up in their room afterward. Of course, no one would tell Guthrie what it was all about. But, frustrating as it was, he was used to that. It came with the territory, being the youngest. What he did know though, was that Daniel had been crying again. He cried so much since Ellie died that it made Guthrie want to do something nice for him to cheer him up. And he knew just the thing.

He picked up the guitar Daniel had given him. He strummed his fingers over the strings mindlessly. This was a special guitar to Daniel; it was the one their mother had taught him to play on. Guthrie loved it almost as much as Daniel. He had felt so special when Daniel had chosen to give it to him. Out of all their brothers, Daniel had picked him. Guthrie had taken very good care of it since then; he knew Daniel would be proud of that. But now there was something he had to do.

He picked up the instrument and carried it upstairs. Pausing at Daniel and Crane's door, he leaned in to listen, pressing his ear to the door. Scowling, he realized he couldn't hear anything. _Drat. _He was hoping for some hint of what they were talking about. Resigned to not knowing, he raised his hand to knock.

It took a moment before Crane's sandy head peered out of the door. "Not now, Guthrie. Daniel's kind of upset."

"I know. But I have something to cheer him up. Let me in." He gave Crane a pleading look and begged, " Pleeeease."

Crane was about to refuse, but Daniel's voice could be heard in the background. "Let him in, Crane."

Guthrie threw Crane a smug grin as he pushed his way past. Daniel sat on the bed, hastily drying his eyes and plastering a fake smile on for Guthrie's sake. Guthrie paused, wishing Daniel wouldn't feel the need to put on a show for him. He was twelve, for pity's sake, more than old enough to deal with it. Remembering why he was there, he hefted the case and crossed the room to stand before his brother.

"Daniel, I know you're feeling upset and sad. I have something for you. I hope this will make you feel better. " He held out the guitar like an offering. "I don't think you really meant to give me this. You love it too much. I want you to have it back."

Daniel's eyes widened, he looked shocked, "Guthrie…" was all he could manage, as he choked up. "No, Guth. I gave it to you. It's yours." He shook his head, refusing to take the instrument. Guthrie was aware of Crane standing behind him. He looked back at Crane and saw the warmth in Crane's teary eyes and pinched lips. He could tell Crane approved.

Determination renewed, he turned back to Daniel. "It's yours, Daniel. I want you to have it." Straightening his stance, he thrust the guitar towards him, refusing to back down. A strange look passed over Daniel's face and Guthrie knew that he finally understood how important this was to Guthrie. Daniel stopped shaking his head and stared at his brother. Guthrie gave the guitar a little shake and implored Daniel, with his eyes, to take it.

Daniel reached out and accepted the precious gift. "Thank you, Guthrie. This really means a lot to me, little brother. You're one awesome kid." That was all he seemed to be able to say as he shifted the guitar over to one leg and pulled Guthrie in for a hug with the other hand.

Guthrie buried his face in Daniel's shoulder and felt his heart soar with the feeling of doing something good. A heavy hand came to rest on Guthrie's head and he turned to see Crane standing behind him, smiling through his tears. He grinned back up at him before throwing himself on Daniel again.

**7b47b**

There was one more person Daniel needed to work things out with on this personal quest of his. Adam. He knew his brother was wracked with guilt, rightly so or not. He also knew Adam couldn't go on like this. Daniel needed things to go back to the way they used to be between them, or if they couldn't, then they needed a way to learn to trust each other again and move on.

So after dinner, he made a point to seek Adam out when he knew he'd be alone. Striding up now, behind his brother, he felt a strong resolve to make things right between them. How, he wasn't sure, but it needed done.

Adam turned at the sound of Daniel approaching. He stood, holding onto the fence with one hand and gripping his hat with the other, watching Daniel come near him.

"Hey brother."

"Hey yourself. What are you doing out here?" Adam questioned.

Daniel walked up to Adam and rested his arms on the rail fence alongside Adam's. "Something's wrong here. We need to talk, Adam."

It must have been something in Daniel's voice brought a look of fear to Adam's face. "Are you okay?" The panic was evident in Adam's voice as he whipped his head around. Daniel knew Adam was scanning him for any obvious problems. Daniel knew then that he'd done the right thing in pushing this confrontation.

"I'm okay, Adam. Really, I am. But you're not." He watched as Adam's expression went from panic, to relief, to resignation. He watched as his brother's chin fell to his chest. "You aren't acting like yourself. You look plumb exhausted, too, so I bet you ain't sleeping. We've got to talk this out."

"I don't know what to say, Daniel." Adam spoke with his eyes downcast. "Just that I am so darn sorry for what I said. I spoke out of the heat of the moment and I'll always regret it. I almost…almost lost you…because of what I-"

Daniel broke in then, "No Adam! That's not true. I didn't plan on jumping because of what you said. You didn't make the nightmares, the panic, the fear, the visions happen. They just did. It's not your fault. It's all mine. I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was all just too much…I should have let you in…should have told you what was going on. But I didn't. I made that choice Adam, it was all mine to make."

His voice took on a strained sound as he fought to get through what he needed to say. "We are family, and we only have each other. I shouldn't have forgotten that. I needed you then and you would have been there for me if I had asked." Daniel implored, "Adam this time I'm telling you, I need you. I need your help. I need you to be there for me, I want you to be. I don't want you to…to hide yourself away. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I promise you, I will never do try to do something like that again. I realize now what it would do to all of you and I can't stand that." Tears broke loose from Daniel's eyes and coursed down his cheeks. Adam still stared at his hat, slowly being twisted out of shape in his hands, seemingly not able to look up at him. His eyes were shiny and wet.

Daniel continued, determined to get his message across. "And Adam, you need me, too. I know you feel guilty and scared and whatever else. But you aren't superman, ya know. It's okay to make a mistake. You need me. I want to be there for you..." his words drifted off as the sobs got harder to control.

Daniel knew it must have been the sound of his frantic gulps for air, which had Adam's head up in a second, concern etched in his face. Daniel stared him down, refusing to break eye contact. "I do need you, Daniel." Adam finally ground out. "I'll always need you…I can't lose you. Can't lose anyone else…like… we did mom and dad." Adam was crying now, too. "I am so sorry, Daniel, for my part in this whole thing."

Daniel knew then what his brother needed; he needed his mistake acknowledged and pardoned. "Maybe you did play a small role in this, Adam, but I forgive you, big brother. I forgive you."

And then he wrapped up his brother in his arms.

When they parted from their hug, having been somewhat calmed, Daniel shook his head and chuckled, unable to help himself.

Adam seemed relieved and surprised to hear his laugh. Puzzled, he cocked his head to the side and asked what Daniel found so funny.

"It's just all this hugging and crying I've been doing this week. First Brian, then Ford, Guthrie, even Evelyn, and now you. If anyone could see this family, they'd think we'd turned into a bunch of sissies instead of cowboys!" Daniel smiled at Adam, trying to lighten the mood and retain some of his dignity.

Adam burst out laughing, Daniel joining him. They threw their arms around each other again, laughing heartily and crying all at once. It felt good.

**7b47b**

Crane leaned against the doorjamb of his bedroom, surrounded by the darkness of the ranch house at midnight. Deep in thought, he watched the sleeping form on the bed, outlined in the moonlight.

He still couldn't believe it. Daniel had actually gone to Evelyn's house, by himself and without telling anyone. The kid had guts, that was for sure. Then again, Crane had always known that. It amazed him to watch Daniel recover from this trauma. Once he'd opened up about how bad he felt and how desperate he'd been, he had gotten so much better. It seemed now that his guard was down, he felt free to confide in Crane or the others about how he really felt. He'd been getting better at asking for help, too.

He'd even tracked Adam down and made things right between them, too. Crane was so relieved about that. The strain between them had been affecting everyone. Crane knew how upset Adam had been, though he hadn't really talked with anyone about it. Until now, that was. Crane had been thinking about confronting him tomorrow and making him talk, but Daniel had beaten him to it. That was better anyway. Those two needed each other something fierce right now. He was finally glad they realized it.

He smiled to himself when he thought of how far they'd all come. Daniel was going to be okay and so would the rest of them. It would be a long while, though, before he could forget what had almost happened. But it was important to remember how close they'd almost come to losing one of their own. He would watch and be more vigilant from now on. These brothers of his would not slip through any cracks on Crane's watch. No sirree. He wouldn't let anything like this happen again.

Crane looked down at the crumpled paper grasped in his hand. No one knew he'd kept it, but it had become a fairly regular thing for him to take out Daniel's suicide note and read it. Crane wanted to remember the feeling that he felt the first time he'd seen it. Remember, so that he would never be so careless again.

Tilting the letter so the moonlight illuminated it, he read it again, letting the fear and the terror wash over him.

_**In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn  
All I want for you to do is take my body home**_

Well, well, well, so I can die easy

Jesus, gonna make up my dyin' bed.  
Meet me, Jesus, meet me. Meet me in the middle of the air  
If my wings should fail me, Lord. Please meet me with another pair

_**Oh, Saint Peter, at the gates of heaven... Won't you let me in  
I never did no harm. I never did no wrong  
I've only been this young once. I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong  
No, not once. **_

_Crane, I never meant to hurt anybody__****_

Oh, did somebody some good. I must have did somebody some good...  
Oh, I believe I did

I see the smiling faces  
I know I must have left some traces 

_I hope you all remember the good I've done and not just the bad stuff.__**  
**_

_**Oh, Lord, deliver me  
All the wrong I've done  
You can deliver me, Lord  
I only wanted to have some fun**_

_Maybe God will forgive me for what I've done. I am sorrier than I know how to say. I hope that one day when you think of me, you won't hate me. I love you all so much._

_Love, Daniel_

Crane looked at his sleeping brother with gratitude filling his heart. Thank God they had gotten to him in time. It was not going to happen ever again, Crane would see to that. None of his brothers would ever feel so alone and hopeless again. Daniel especially, would be watched closely by Crane for a long, long time.

Daniel had a long life ahead of him and it would be a happy one; Crane would see to that.

It was _not _his time of dying.

The End

**Author's Note-. Thank you all for sticking with me through this tale. I will be a little sad to see it end! If you liked it, please send me a review. I am always so excited to know if you enjoyed it. Thank you again!**


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